English gravel eremite Cal ‘Crutches’ Crutchlow has been chipped out of retirement and is set to make a magnificent MotoGP comeback for the upcoming three races. Here’s everything you need to know in a format that’s easy and friendly…unlike the man himself.
Who’s he replacing and why?
‘Fan of the site’ Crutchlow will be replacing the sulking Italian Franco Morbidelli on the A-spec B-rate Petronas Yamaha for the next three races. Officially Morbidelli is recovering from knee surgery caused by praying to a golden statue of Rossi (click here for full story).
However it’s believed that Franco has no real desire to return and that he might be ‘milking it a bit’ due to his bike not being the full spec Yamaha. Obviously the Italian knew this before the season started but he only decided it wasn’t fair and became vocal about it once Quartarararo started winning and he struggled to beat Lorenzo Savadori.
Is Crutchlow popular?
Cal has always been a fan’s favourite throughout his time in MotoGP thanks to his hardman image, spectacular crashes and the way he told us all his opinion on everything he didn’t like even if we weren’t that bothered about hearing it.
Why did he retire?
After amassing of a quarter of a million bone-sheering crashes in MotoGP the tough Englishman was finally forced to retire due to the covid-affected hardware shortage needed to repair Cal after each and every crash.
Is it true Cal is now medically classed as a helicopter?
Interestingly the human body has 206 bones yet somehow Cal manged to break over 300 of these which can only really be explained using the string entanglement theory. During his time racing most of these bones have, thanks to skilled surgeons around the world, been partially or fully replaced with various pieces of metal found in the Honda skip.
The outcome is that medically speaking the Englishman is now percentage-wise a closer match to a Robinson R44 helicopter than a homo sapien and thus needs a pilot licence to walk.
How did he end up at Yamaha?
After retiring Yamaha signed Crutchlow as their official test rider. (See how we avoided the cliché gag about Yamaha using him to test fairing strengths etc? MGPN – Always keeps you guessing)
Who’ll be most angry about this?
Without a doubt bitter ex-rider Jorge Lorenzo will be seething to the point of chewing off his chorizo about this given Crutchlow took his place at Yamaha this year. The vastly irrelevant Spaniard was contracted in 2020 by Yamaha as their test rider but was dropped after one test when it became apparent that Jorge had been shovelling in the churros during the winter and was too fat to be of any use.
After Cal was given the test ride by Yamaha for this season Lorenzo mocked this move and caused an altogether embarrassing internet punch-up. (Full story here)
Most popular Crutchlow quote
“I had podium pace before I fell off”
Most favourite thing
Carbon swingarms