This weekend sees the exciting climax of the unexciting 2024 MotoGP season. Super Spaniard Jorge Martin sits 24 points ahead of the beard of the current champion Pecco Bagnaia giving the Primark Ducati rider a clear advantage.
So how can Bagnaia steal away the championship? Cheating!
Now the Bolognese based team are not afraid to bend the rules every so often to gain an unfair advantage. However to claw this kind of lead back Ducati will have to take inspiration from their fellow Italians – Ferrari F1! And we’re talking the full on “Michael Schumacher & Ross Brawn” years.
So we at MGPN have compiled a list of the top six ways Ducati could cheat their way to victory – which is the sweetest kind of victory!
Tyres
Tyres absolutely suck in MotoGP. Michelin have helped make this season the worst in living memory thanks to their overheating black ring of nonsense thinly disguised as a front tyre.
But it’s not only their crappy front tyres that can destroy a MotoGP race as the surrender monkey firm also have a consistent habit of providing inconsistent quality. For unknown reasons any rider can end up with a race-ruining ‘duff one’ at any point over the weekend that will effectively ruin his race – or in Joan Mir’s case make him fall off even earlier.
But what if a duff tyre was ‘accidentally’ provided to Jorge Martin on race day? It conveniently ‘accidently’ happened last year to the Spaniard when he was trying to win the championship from Bagnaia. At the time Pecco said that duff tyres weren’t a thing…unless he got one.
Can lightning strike twice in Martin’s groin? A big bag of cash and a vat of coq au vin dumped outside Michelin’s HQ could help this random event to be more randomly targeted.
Dirty cheat rating: 
Morbidelli to do a ‘Capirossi’
If there’s one thing Franco Morbidelli’s great at then it’s certainly not MotoGP. But it might be crashing into other riders whilst displaying a general ‘out of his depth’ attitude. A ‘Franky Special’ into turn one could see the seat-hogging Italian conveniently smash his way through to Jorge Marrtin’s hapless carcass into turn one – taking a few tips from fellow Italian Loris ‘safety commissioner’ Capirossi’s 2006 Catalunya race.
“But wait” you pipe up “Why would Franco help a rival team? Surely he would always help the team that paid his wages and provided him with the best bike on the grid when he clearly didn’t deserve it? Surely there’s no evidence of this ever happening?”
Well there is actually. Back in 2022 Morbidelli was teammate to Fabio Quartarararararo. Unsurprisingly the Italian had been outclassed all season by the French rider and was stuck down in 19th place on the factory Yamaha. Fabio, meanwhile, was in a championship fight with Bagnaia. At the finale at Valencia Quartarararo needed to win the race and his rival finish tenth or lower to retain his title.
In the race Pecco was understandably nervous and rode considerably slower than his usual pace. So slow, in fact, that towards the end of the race he found himself in 9th place and had Franco closing him down.
In 2022 a 9th place would have been Morbidelli’s second best result – so surely he would make the effort to finish the season on a less embarrassing note? No. He slowed down by almost a second a lap ensuring his fellow VR46 Neverland Ranch chum Bagnaia finished in front of him in 9th and in doing so gave a final kick in the teeth to his factory Yamaha team.
Dirty cheat rating:
Involve Marc Marquez
Every year on the 8th of November numerous small communities around Italy perform a solemn march through their marinara stained streets in honour of the injustice of the 2015 season finale. “Parata della corsa del diavolo” morns the tragic loss of the championship for Valentino Rossi and unites the country in their collective hatred of the Spanish Antichrist Marc Marquez.
Italy doesn’t forget.
With that in mind we’re not sure how Marquez could affect the championship in Bagnaia’s favour…or even why. But there’s never been a wilder wildcard in an MotoGP race this year. One thing is for sure, if Marquez does help Pecco win it will be a very confusing time for the sour Italians.
Dirty cheat rating:
Tune down the engine
These past few races have seemingly shown Bagnaia’s Ducati GP24 go even faster compared to the ‘identical yet somehow different’ bike of Jorge Martin. Not that it’s helped much.
Because of this, and the huge deficit Bagnaia needs to claw back, it may be time for the cunning Bolognaise based team to remotely tune down Jorge’s GP24 via a sly software update. Obviously it would only happen during the race ensuring the team never suspect anything. We believe the code would look something like this:
// Add sneaky underhand detune if (date.Now() == "2024-11-17") { // Reduce power to 90% bike.no(89).maxPower = (default.maxPower * 0.9); } // Foggy smells
Primark Ducati will have no say over this happening and because they’re buggering off to Yamaha next season Team Ducati won’t be too fussed about pissing them off on an astronomical level.
Dirty cheat rating:
James Toseland grid walk interview
Now that the World Superbike season is over there’s every fear among the MotoGP regulars that James Toseland could somehow crop up at Catalunya and start banging on to everyone about how amazing Toprak Razgatlıoğlsdfnklasdfj is. But how would the piano playing dullard ever get past security? A genuine paddock pass!
Ducati could easily invite James, who would jump at the chance to inform a new batch of uninterested fans about Toprak, and then store him safely in some kind of shipping container. Then on Sunday, whilst the MotoGP riders are on the grid, the Englishman could be let out and told by Ducati that Jorge Martin is very interested in hearing at length about any special Turkish talents.
The outcome would be inevitable. Even the most focused mind would enter ‘safe mode’ after just a few minutes of Toseland’s favourite monotoned monologue. Such an attack would undoubtedly cause enough brain fatigue to see Jorge Martin struggle to stay awake during the opening laps.
Dirty cheat rating:
Corona virus
The shady skullduggery of our sixth and final entry could have already be done and it’s easily the most cunning…
Remember Covid? The world-stopping oriental infection that allowed our leaders to force us to follow strict rules that they themselves weren’t following? Well it never quite went away.
Now we’ve all used the coronavirus as an excuse to get out of stuff. A boring christening or birthday party coming up? Then play the “I’ve tested positive” card. Not only does it give you a free pass to skip any boring event but it also makes you look good by ‘thinking of others’ too.
But there is a more sinister side to this airborne respiratory rascal. Imagine if a MotoGP team, let’s say the factory Ducati as a totally random example, were to infect a rival team’s rider? Then, with a small monetary agreement with the officials, they could call a random covid test for all riders and team members. Anyone failing the test is booted out of the paddock.
But how would a random team, such as Factory Ducati, infect another team? Easy! Simple dress up a Wuhan lab resident in some official Ducati clothing, give him a crappy old laptop and send him to check on Jorge Martin’s bike…ensuring he breaths out heavily on everything. Two weeks later – infections all round!
Dirty cheat rating: