The MotoGP feature race in Indonesia suffered a huge attrition rate that left us with only 12 finishers. This meant that Taka Naka still placed 12th despite the fact that he was on a Honda, got a tyre pressure penalty, was on a Honda, stopped even trying about 18 months ago, and was on a Honda (being on a Honda counts treble as an excuse for sucking in MotoGP). Can we explain the enormity of this attrition rate with movie references? Who gives a rat’s ass? But screw it anyway, let’s find out!
Which movie characters had an attrition rate as high as MotoGP riders in Indonesia? Here are the options:
Bowling Pins in The Big Lebowski (1998)
This movie tells the story of a guy called El Duderino (I’m not into the whole brevity thing) who has to investigate the mystery of who piddled on his favourite rug and who kidnapped the trophy wife of a fat, annoying tool who shares his last name. It’s basically a Raymond Chandler story, if Chandler decided to take a load of LSD instead of drinking Gin Gimlet cocktails. There’s a lot of bowling in the movie, and the bowling pins fall like MotoGP riders in Indonesia.
Xenomorphs in Aliens (1986)
Aliens is a sci-fi action horror masterpiece directed by James Cameron (who is technically Canadian, but is so insufferably arrogant and obnoxious that he is generally classified as Californian). A team of Colonial Marines go around shooting loads of xenomorphs (Excuse me, xenomorph???) with zillions of rounds of explosive tipped, caseless ammo. The evil aliens get blown away like MotoGP riders got blown off the track by Jack Miller in Indonesia.
Gangsters in Magnum Force (1973)
The sequel to Dirty Harry features Clint Eastwood’s character battling with a death squad of renegade motorcycle cops who ride around on stylish Moto Guzzi police bikes, secretly blowing away loads of gangsters who have escaped justice. This is much like how half the MotoGP field mysteriously disappeared into gravel traps during the Indonesian GP. Quite how these cops manage to chase bad guys on Moto Guzzis for more than about 250 yards without suffering catastrophic electrical failure and breaking down is never explained. However, eagle-eyed viewers will notice that the lovely but appallingly-built Italian bikes magically turn into lighter, more agile and marginally more reliable Triumphs just in time for the big stunts at the end of the film.
Arachnids in Starship Troopers (1997)
This mercilessly satirical movie pre-dates both America’s invasion of Afghanistan and second invasion of Iraq, but thanks to some kind of precognition it viciously mocks the way that brave young people were sacrificed in both of those pointless conflicts in service of the evil Military-Industrial Complex. The aliens in this movie are called Arachnids, and they just keep coming regardless of the fact that they keep getting extinguished from the timesheets like MotoGP riders in Indonesia.
Enemy Troops in Commando (1985)
Arnold Schwarzenegger has to rescue his young daughter Jenny from a P. Diddy party on Epstein Island or something like that. Whatever, it doesn’t really matter. In any case, the only thing that matters to him is Jenny. He doesn’t care how many henchmen he has to send to meet their maker, he just mows them all down with a variety of weapons in one of the greatest action scenes that Hollywood has ever produced. It combines the visual poetry of Sergei Eisenstein with the comedy of Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker at their peak, as the bad guys are wiped out like half the MotoGP field were wiped out at Buriram.