With July already coming to an end most of us in the superior Northern Hemisphere have used the summer month to relax and enjoy ourselves. But not everyone has had it sweet as a nut.
So, in the article you begged us to write, we find out from the shortlisted candidates who’s actually had the worst July.
Candidates:
Jorge Martin
July ended for the bizarrely named “Martinator” in a crumpled heap of despair and misery. Having won the sprint race in Germany the chirpy Spaniard was leading the main race with just a handful of laps remaining. This was to be a great return-to-form for Jorge before the summer break.
He then fell off handing the win, and championship lead to his main rival Pecco Bagnaia. Suddenly the summer break was all rainclouds and Coldplay.
Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman
Diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) is everything these days. It’s all about representation. Women need to be represented in all jobs…well unless they’re actually unglamourous roles like working on an oilrig or laying a tarmac road. In those cases representation doesn’t matter.
Amusingly DEI had somehow also worked its way into the American Secret Service with the head of the organisation, Kimberly Cheatle, introducing rules that allowed women into the role without actually being very good at their job. And this is where the Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman (PLSSW) comes into the story.
PLSSW was one of the several agents tasked with guarding former orange president Donald Trump on the day of the attempted assassination. Usually this role only requires them to walk to and from numerous blacked out SUV’s in dark sunglasses…sadly on the day in question though that was not to be the case…
When the shots were fired most of the Secret Service leapt on to Donald to protect him and literally take a bullet for the least popular man on earth. Except PLSSW. Instead she hid behind the men cowering and yelling “what do we do, what do we do?”
Later on, once the threat had been neutralised (neutralised = shot many times) the brave PLSSW could be seen looking brave and trying to put her gun back in the holster…and trying…and trying. It became obvious that this agent was never the man for the job.
Max Verstappen
Verstappen, who harbours a face like a ruptured spleen, is the kind of F1 driver that’s all smiles and jokes when winning but a complete sulking spoilt bastard when he’s not. Which makes him just like all the other drivers. But recently Max has taken it to the max.
Earlier in the month the Dutchman was having a shocker of a race in Hungary. Having had the benefit of a car that’s vastly superior to his rivals (along with a lazy Mexican teammate) Verstappen was now feeling the pressure as the other teams closed in on Redbull’s performance advantage.
During the race Max cried like a baby over the radio that his car wasn’t fast enough, the team orders wrong and that his clogs were rubbing the back of his foot. It was a nonstop amusing radio feed of puerile whines.
The race more-or-less finished for the spoilt brat when he made a terrible overtaking attempt that saw him skid off and into Lewis BLM Hamilton. Verstappen was straight back onto the team radio beefing that he’d been taken out to which his race engineer, who had clearly had enough of such whinging, told the ‘Crying Dutchman’ numerous times to “Stop being childish!” live to thousands of viewers.
Jack Black
Jack Black is/was a successful Hollywood actor famous for films like “School of Rock”…and probably some other ones that no one remembers. He’s also one half of the comedy rock duo ‘Tenacious D’. Up until this month no one knew, or cared, who the other half of Tenacious D was – it was just some bald fat guy who was sponging off Jack’s popularity.
All that went for a burton, however, during a gig in Australia. The other half of Tenacious D, Kyle Gass, was caught on film publicly wishing that the next shooter of Donald Trump ‘doesn’t miss next time’. Oh how everyone laughed.
Sadly someone posted the video of this online and the internet blew up within hours saying an event that saw an innocent man killed shouldn’t be mocked. Abruptly the laughing stopped and the hatred started…
Loss of fans
Jorge Martin
Luckily for Jorge he doesn’t really have any fans to lose. He’s not loved or hated, instead just a generic rider from the endless Spanish chorizo-machine.
Score: ⭐
Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman
For security reasons no one knows who PLSSW actually is – she could be any one of the men-hating, Palestine flag waving nutjobs America is subjected to. So for this reason she had no fans to start with. A lucky escape.
Score: ⭐
Max Verstappen
Max is very fortunate to have a huge loyal, pea-brained following that worship the ground he slithers on. Most of these fans are Dutch and, until 2018, had never heard of F1 let alone seen a race. Luckily they’re all now ‘seasoned experts’ and can be heard trackside giving their unrivalled knowledge by hurling abuse at any driver that isn’t Verstappen.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐
Jack Black
The on-stage blunder backfired spectacularly for the actor-comedian as his fans rapidly started unfollowing the bearded lardo.
Once Jack, whose real name is Thomas, realised that people were hating on him and his band he issued a ChatGPT generated apology on social media claiming he was “stunned” by the remarks of his unknown partner and that he condemned it.
Sadly for Thomas though a new video was released of him laughing at the remark to ‘not miss next time’ which rendered the apology totally meaningless and caused more fans to abandon him.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Public ridicule
Jorge Martin
A few of the less scrupulous MotoGP media outlets were keen to mock Martin’s fall from Ducati and grace. But not us.
Mostly there was a subdued acceptance that Jorge had done his best to defeat the evil factory Bolognese machine but was now powerless to the inevitable.
Score: ⭐⭐
Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman
Where do we start? Memes were multiplying faster than stupid people as the internet became awash with ridicule of her and the secret service in general – obviously all created by far-right white males.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Max Verstappen
Excluding the orange-fanbase the F1 community all united together to give Verstappen a good verbal kicking mocking his crying and childish behaviour. Clearly all the commentators would have preferred to give Max’s father Jos an actual kicking but this option was an acceptable alternative.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Jack Black
Not much ridicule here. More hatred.
Score: ⭐
Loss of earnings
Jorge Martin
The Spanish rider would have certainly been on a win-bonus that he threw away into the German gravel. More seriously though given that he lost the championship lead to Bagnaia (who Ducati had already decided would be this season’s winner) it marks the beginning of the end of poor Jorge’s championship dreams…and the bags of greasy cash that would have come with it.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman
Fear not friends. Given her minority status within the organisation PLSSW will be safe in her role as anything else would be a hate crime. Sadly a few of the agents that actually did their job on the day will be fired for making her look terrible and not taking her pronouns of ‘useless’ and ‘incompetent’ into consideration.
Score: ⭐
Max Verstappen
Max earns shitloads. Enough that the very beautiful daughter of Nelson Piquet, Kelly Piquet, somehow finds him attractive. Which is no easy task. Any loss of earning won’t be missed.
Score: ⭐⭐
Jack Black
After the uproar, that happened at a gig in Perth, the Australian government set a motion to kick Tenacious D out of their country – which is ironic given that it’s a nation of outcasts anyway.
This prompted Jack to cancel the rest of the world tour costing him millions.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Long term effects
Jorge Martin
The crash was probably the catalyst to the Martinator losing the championship. Given that he’ll move to Aprilia next season could mean he’ll never be a world champion.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Plump Lesbian Secret Service woman
The then Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle was forced to resign after the debacle. Cheatle was facing constant verbal abuse from enraged Americans that she had to issue herself a full time, male-only secret service protection team.
But in the end, and after attempting to blame everyone else, Kimberly had to quit the role and except the very generous payment package awarded for her terrible achievements.
If the next Director decides that actual ability is more important than DEI then poor PLSSW may find herself out of a job. Luckily she’ll be able to sue them for being something-’ist’.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Max Verstappen
At first glance the Hungarian race probably doesn’t count for much given Verstappen’s huge lead in the championship that he gained by having a vastly superior car. However in the last F1 parade the sour-faced blub-bucket had a very subdued race finishing fifth on the road. Has this broken his spirit?
Score: ⭐⭐
Jack Black
The long-term prospects for Jack Black don’t look good. Tenacious D will probably never play again and Hollywood loves to backstab anyone who’s in need of help.
Recently poor Black attempted to beg his way on stage with Kid Rock at the Republican National Convention but was thrown out for being “Woke”. So the left hate him along with the right.
Score: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Final Scores:
- Jack Black 16
- PLSSW 12
- Max Verstappen 11
- Jorge Martin 11
Winner
So did Jack Black have the worst July? No of course not – it was in fact the Parisians for being associated with the most hated Olympic Ceremony ever where some guy got his nuts out next to a child!