Marini or a Haddock? It’s the hot question on every MotoGP fan’s lips at the moment. Luckily MotoGPNews, in association with a team of top marine biologists, have sat down and methodically worked out a definitive answer to the conundrum.
Nine crucial aspects of MotoGP have been scientifically taken into account to finally answer the question: Marini or a Haddock?
Current Results
How are the pairing doing so far this season?
Marini
Seven rounds and fourteen races into the season and Marini has amassed an impressive zero points out of a possible 259. To add to this remarkable tally Luca has, as far as we can remember, also finished last in every race.
Haddock
It’s hard to predict how well a haddock would perform on race day but at very worst it would manage zero points out of a possible 259 and finish last in every race.
Conclusion: Draw
Power-to-weight
A rider is essentially dead weight – so less mass means a better power-to-weight-ratio.
Marini
Despite being quite tall for the usual stunted MotoGP rider Luca is laughably slender – to the point that when on holiday he often gets mistaken for a piece of cotton thread playfully dancing in the summer breeze. This lack of mass gives the Italian a superb power-to-weight ratio on track…not that that seems to help much.
Haddock
The average adult haddock weighs about 9.2kg – which is roughly twice as much as Dani Pedrosa but, crucially, far less than Luca.
Conclusion: Haddock
Pay
Saving money is more prevalent than ever these days. So which rider would save Honda the most Yen?
Marini
Luca moved to Repsol Honda for the cash. There’s simply no other plausible explanation for leaving a Ducati ride to then ride a Honda heap. Although the exact number is not known it’s fair to say there would be a fair few zeros in his pay check.
Haddock
Haddocks, like Johan Zarco, feed on a variety of mollusks, worms and crustaceans and would be pleased to the gills if provided with just this.
Conclusion: Haddock
Slipperiness
Being slippery can help a MotoGP rider no end – on-track it can improve the drag coefficient and off-track it can allow the rider to squirm out of awkward performance-related questions.
Marini
Marini, despite being Italian, doesn’t appear to be an oily character at all. In fact, he seems quite normal with a pleasing matt-finish.
Haddock
Although not regarded as an oily fish haddock are still very slippery – possibly akin to a wet-teacake. Attempting to strangle a haddock with one hand is thought to be almost impossible which could make it impervious to any ‘team building’ exercise performed by Maurizio Cambarau.
Conclusion: Haddock
Satanic markings
Being marked by the underworld is a surefire sign that you have a fire in your belly…either that or you’ve eaten Indian streetfood.
Marini
It’s generally accepted that Luca has no known satanic markings. His best offering is probably his offensively boisterous haircut.
Haddock
All haddocks have the strange ‘Devil’s thumbprint’ – distinctive black marks above the pectoral fins. To be honest it’s less of a ‘devil’s thumbprint’ and more of a ‘coal miner’s skidmark’ – however facts are facts.
Conclusion: Haddock
Famous half-brothers
Who wouldn’t want a famous half-brother to help pry open the locked doors of success?
Marini
When it comes to famous half-brother’s then this is where Luca Marini really shines because if you didn’t know his half-brother is none other than Valentino Rossi! Despite this Marini is keen to point out that this has nothing to do with his promotion to MotoGP – that instead was based on a lifetime of mediocre results and being beaten by his teammates.
Haddock
When it comes to famous fish the pool is, figuratively speaking, quite dry. The best hope for any haddock is to claim it’s somehow related to Paul the psychic octopus who gave accurate football predictions during the 2010 World Cup.
Conclusion: Marini
Surviving hot races
MotoGP tends to follow the sun throughout the season meaning many races are remarkably hot. Being able to cope and thrive in these conditions can be the difference between success and failure.
Marini
Luca’s slenderness, coupled with his fibrous haircut means the Italian has an unrivalled surface-area-to-mass ratio. This ratio clearly means nothing when it comes to speed but it does allow the noodle-armed weathervane to disperse heat incredibly effectively.
Haddock
Haddocks, like many ray-finned fish, have evolved to live in wet conditions at near sub-zero temperatures. For this reason the saltwater species would probably only feel comfortable at a summer GP in the UK. We fear a hot and dry event in Spain, for example, would leave the haddock less of a championship contender and more of a delicious tapas dish to be served with alioli.
Conclusion: Marini
Ability to flap around comically when in the gravel
Who doesn’t want to see this?
Marini
If there’s one thing Luca’s nailed when riding the evil RC213V it’s not falling off it. Something Joan Mir has yet to learn. The Italian achieves this by riding very slowly at the back.
However because the Italian doesn’t often fall off we have no real current data to whether or not he would flap around comically so we must give him the benefit of the doubt.
Haddock
Nature knows how to give us a great laugh. Like watching a dog wipe it’s arse across a cream carpet or a donkey getting its head stuck in a fence. And right up there at the top of amusement is seeing a fish flapping around on dry land.
So it only stands to reason that any haddock would do the same if thrown off into the gravel trap mid-race. Given the amount of times the average Honda rider now falls off would the novelty of this ever wear off? We think not.
Conclusion: Draw
Performance on a Ducati
How have the pairing faired on the best bike on the grid?
Marini
Last season Luca Marini managed to win no races on the superior Ducati Desmosedici. Every other Ducati rider, even the victory-shy Zarco, managed at least one visit to the top step of the podium.
Haddock
There are currently estimated to be around 40,000 tonnes of haddock larking around in the sea conducting their usual maritime antics. None of these Gadidae family fish, just like Marini, have ever won a race on a Ducati.
Conclusion: Draw
Overall Winner: Bradley Smith
Who cares what final the score is? The fact is that it would be much more entertaining to witness the lead singer of the Communards, Bradley Smith, riding the Repsol Honda.
So well done Bradders – it’s yet another victory to add to your impressive list of none.