Winners
Jorge Martin
The foolishly nicknamed Martinator has been labouring the point that he thinks he deserves a full factory bike next season – and one way or another he’s going to get one. We get it Jorge. We really do.
Thankfully Martin finally got the message that we’ve got the message and informed us that he’d do all his talking on the track. And he did. Winning both races and not falling off.
Us…again
That’s two, yes two, exciting races in a row. That’s two more than all the 800cc era combined. Are we building to an entertainment peak before 2027 crashes into proceedings and ruins everything?
Franco Morbidelli
Wait what? Have we slipped into an alternative universe where Morbidelli is good and people with blue are aren’t morons? Of course not.
Franky-boy was once again totally humiliated by his younger teammate on the same bike…but only this time not by as much as usual. Furthermore, for the first time, he managed to score some points.
Sure he’s still the last Ducati with less than half the points of the next worst rider whilst riding the fastest bike on the grid. But it’s a step in the right direction…albeit with a far bigger step towards World Superbike obscurity.
France
As one great philosopher said ‘the best part about not being French is that you’re not French’. And that’s something we can all be thankful for.
But for a nation that loves to quit before trying their two riders, Quartararararo and Zarco, did their nation proud by not acting like they were doing their nation proud.
Zarco was easily the fastest Honda rider all weekend making his terrible, steaming heap of a bike look not quite as terrible, steaming heap of a bike.
Meanwhile the now very, very rich Fabio was also overdelivering on a poor Japanese bike. Unbelievably the Yamaha rider was comfortably in the top 6 until he crashed out on a wet macaron. But moneybags Quartararararo had given the humungous unwashed crowd plenty to cheer about whilst he trudged back for an early not-shower.
Losers
Sprint races
Sprint races are rapidly become an annoyance to watch on Saturday. If we need to get stuff done over the weekend so the ball-and-chain doesn’t give us earache then Saturday used to be the day to do it. Go to Ikea. Interact with the kids. Paint the ceiling. Bury the bodies. All the normal blue-chores that needed to be completed to reduce the grief could be done on Saturday allowing a free flowing Sunday on the sofa.
But now we have sprint races on Saturday. And the worst part is they’re not very good anymore. The riders have realised risking a crash for half points is pointless – so instead do the very minimum to get through the working day. Like Mexicans.
The outcome is that sprint races are now dull. No one wants a crash or an injury that would affect the main race. Expect Dorna to change the rules soon to that the sprint race becomes the qualification race.
Pecco Bagnaia
The problem with Bagnaia is that he’s a bit boring. The old ‘cut back’ manoeuvre, favoured by Pecco, peaked with Jean Alesi in Phoenix and since then has just been a weaselly tactic.
The Italian’s French problems started in qualifying when he crashed and wrecked his number one bike. Then, due to a comical administration error, Bagnaia’s spare bike was actually a bike meant for the Gresini team. How this happened is anyone’s guess but poor Pecco was forced to ride a ‘modified’ bike destined to pipe Marc Marquez down a bit. Bagnaia, unaware of the downgrade, started the sprint race on this bike and found it unrideable and retired scared. A coy Ducati said after the race they couldn’t find the actual problem.
So it couldn’t get much worse in the main race right? Wrong. Although Pecco finished on the podium he also suffered the misery of seeing title rival Jorge Martin win yet another race and got duffed up by hated rival Marc Marquez on the last lap…on the bike he couldn’t ride.
VR46 Academy
The VR46 Academy Neverland ranch is the place where talented, young and attractive male riders get to hone their skills with racing and questionable sleepovers. Currently the VR46 Academy has four MotoGP riders – allowing moronic yellow fans to praise-by-proxy the brilliance of Rossi whenever any of the four has a good result.
But there was little praise in France. Here’s how the Academy riders got on…
- Bagnaia
See above for further amusing details.
- Morbidelli
Good for Franco. Bad for anyone else on the fastest bike on the grid.
- Bezzecchi
Fell off in both races on the track he won at last year.
- Marini
Last again. In both races.
But it gets worse. When not racing all Neverland riders must punch an effigy of Marc Marquez and study witchcraft in an attempt to inflict a crippling bum-disease on the slimy Spaniard. So there were more tiny-tears when the collective had to witness Marquez putting himself on the podium twice and beating every VR46 rider.
Bastianini
Enea, whose full name sounds like a diagnosis, spent all weekend hearing about which riders are battling to replace him at the Factory Ducati. The Italian found himself as the ‘consolation footnote’ in every twenty-minute journalistic discussion:
“…oh but don’t rule out Bastianini, Ducati may choose to keep him on.”
They won’t of course. But it needed to be said at the end out of kindness.
In the main race Enea finished an unnoticed fourth. Whilst everyone gushed about the race for the win ‘The Bastard’ finished just 2.2 seconds behind Jorge Martin despite having to take a long lap penalty. He had the pace to win – but no one cares or cared.
Marc Marquez haters
Qualifying in Le Moans was a glorious time for the rancid Marquez haters. The Spanish Antichrist had struggled with the setup of his parts-bin Ducati all weekend and failed to make it to Q2. Oh how an internet sub-demographic was loving this. Post after smug post mocking Marquez’s abilities and confidently predicting the downfall of the talentless grifter.
However, and somewhat predictably, the posting almost all dried up after the sprint race. A few brave souls brushed aside the salty tears and ventured into the online world to claim that Marc was lucky and that he’d not be able to get on the podium in the main race.
Then silence. Really, awkward silence.