The MotoGP round at Qatar coincided with the Oscars, which are awarded to the most outstandingly boring and woke movies. It was also the weekend of the Razzie awards, which are the anti-Oscars and are awarded to the movies that sucked the most. So let’s find out who won Oscars and Razzies at Qatar’s MotoGP round, to separate the Oppenheimers from the Indiana Jones 4s.
Oscar for Best Actor
(Most entertaining rider)
Nominees:
Pecco Bananas
Brad Binder
Pedro Acosta
Winner: Pedro Acosta. This new Spanish kid is box office, overtaking riders just to annoy them, even though he was eating his rear tyre in the process. A smart strategy as it made him look much more exciting than if he’d sensibly preserved his tyre and settled for 5th or 6th place. This beats Pecco, who is just a boring version of Lorenzo as he lacks Horhay’s hilariously abrasive personality, or any personality at all, for that matter.
Razzie for Worst Actor
(Rider who sucked the most)
Nominees:
Raul Fernandez
Luca Marini
Frankie Morbidelli
Winner: Luca Marini. A big favourite with journalists as he is good at explaining complex technical issues to complete dumbasses. Unfortunately he’s as slow as a Random Japanese Test rider, but without the Japanese language skills. Who would have thought that hiring the worst of last year’s 8 Ducati riders would turn out to be a disaster for Honda? Literally everyone who isn’t a journo, that’s who. In the race, Marini’s bike had a serious problem. There was a crap rider on it.
Oscar for Best Foreign Feature
(Best team)
Nominees:
Ducati
KTM
Winner: Ducati. If it wasn’t for Brad Binder, the top thousand places would have been filled with Bolognese Bullets. Unlike in WW2, the Italians dominate the Axis Powers that make MotoGP bikes. That shows how far an utter contempt for the rule book can get you.
Razzie for Worst Foreign Feature
(Worst team)
Nominees:
Honda
Yamaha
Winner: Honda. Some years back, MotoGP introduced the CRT class for terrible bikes that had huge concessions but were still atrocious. This year we have the JRT teams. Rubbish Japanese bikes that have huge concessions and still suck. The worst of the JRT teams was Honda, who have produced a slow bike that destroys its tyres while going slowly.
Oscar for Best Director
(Best team boss)
Nominees:
Gigi Dall’Igna
Pit Beirer
Winner: Pit Beirer. It’s been a great start to the year from KTM. Brad Binder was brilliant, and new signing Acosta had everyone’s jaws dropping lower than Uccio’s VO2max. Plus the new KTM bike is excellent. Last year the only thing that slipstreamed past a Ducati was another Ducati. This year the KTM was fast out of the last corner and an absolute missile down the straight.
Razzie for Worst Director
(Worst team boss)
Nominees:
Lyn Jarvis
Alberto Puig
Winner: Alberto Puig. After major improvements over the off-season, the JRT Honda is still bloody awful. On top of that, hiring Marini was only one step up from hiring Morbidelli. Ugh!
Oscar for Best Costume Design
(Best looking bike)
Nominees:
Red Bull KTM
Primark Ducati
[Your Name Here] Factory Honda
Castrol LCR Honda
Winner: Castrol LCR Honda. This year’s colour schemes are nearly all great. The dark, badass look is bang on trend this season, darlings, but LCR’s retro Castrol colours are a big hit.
Razzie for Worst Costume Design
(Worst looking bike)
Nominees:
VR46 Ducati
Gresini Ducati
Winner: VR46 Ducati. The only real contender for this year’s Razzie award was VR46 and their hideous “Dipped in Chernobyl Custard” design. Vale’s bikes have a similar effect on the human eyeballs as Fat Man and Little Boy had on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Oscar for Best Supporting Actor
(Best support class rider)
Nominees:
Alonso Lopez
Barry Baltus
David Alonso
Winner: Barry Baltus. The young Belgian stunned the support classes by finishing 2nd, right on the tail of Alonso Lopez, to give Belgium its first World Championship podium in nearly a decade. It is also heartwarming to see a rider named after the British legend Barry Sheene, especially as roughly 80% of teenaged British riders these days are called “Rossi” thanks to their bird-brained, yellow-mongering male parents.
Razzie for Worst Supporting Actor
(Worst support class rider)
Nominees:
Jake Dixon
Winner: Jake Dixon. Connoisseurs of arrogance consider Dixon to be the loudmouth’s loudmouth. The gobby Englishman would have had no possible excuse for not winning the Moto2 race. He’s the team-mate of the winner and has extensive Pirelli experience from his British Superbike days. But he managed to blow it by highsiding himself out of the race weekend during a practise session, robbing himself of the opportunity to do his usual trick of lowsiding out of a podium position with about 3 laps to go.
Conclusion
This season has started off with a bit of a mixed bag. The bikes are mostly gorgeous, despite the moronic aerodynamic addons. The KTM and Aprilia should be brilliant at least some of the time. Acosta has landed like a turd in Ducati’s punchbowl, much to everybody’s delight. The new Pirelli tyres have made Moto2 look like fun for the first time in years. But the front Michelin still sucks and the JRT teams are just as appalling as last year. Let’s see how the season unfolds.