With their introduction of sprint races in addition to the imbecilic “aero-squat” rule package it’s obvious that Dorna are trying to make MotoGP as dangerous as possible. As things stand, most MotoGP riders are injured most of the time. But is it possible for ALL MotoGP riders to be injured ALL of the time? Let’s throw out a few ideas to help Dorna out in their insane quest! Here are our suggestions:
Propellers
MotoGP bikes do 220mph and have wings. But what’s missing?
Propellers!
With flesh-munching people-chompers (also known as “propellers”) flailing around on the front of the motorcycles, MotoGP can fulfil its potential as the world’s most moronically dangerous sport.
Flamethrowers
MotoGP bikes at top speed already have an incredibly dangerous aerodynamic slipstream in the area behind them. When following riders get sucked into this slipstream at the end of a straight, they lose almost all control. This results in them either flying off the track and having a massive crash, or running extremely wide, having a massive heart attack and knocking 3-5 years off their lives. How can we improve on this?
By adding flamethrowers, of course! Flamethrowers make everything more awesome. “Alien”, “Aliens” and the remake of “The Thing” are 3 of the greatest movies in history, and they all include flamethrowers! MotoGP bikes having a flame unit throwing a 40-foot long inferno out the back at 220mph would make those boring slipstreaming battles both insanely dangerous and hugely entertaining!
Running the Sprint Race on an Oval Wooden Track
Back in the 1910s to 1920s, the Yanks decided that motorcycle racing would be outstanding if it were held on a wooden track like an oversized cycling velodrome.
They were absolutely right.
Cycling on velodromes is disastrously boring and stupid. Especially that race where the two idiots ponce around at about 1mph until the last 10 seconds when they suddenly decide to start racing. And the one where a whole load of idiots follow someone on a stupid little moped around for about an hour before starting to race. And absolutely the one where cyclists are in pairs who hold hands and pretend to throw each other forwards, seemingly just for comedy effect!
Anyway, the only problem with motorcycle velodrome racing, or “Board Track Racing” as they called it, was that anyone who crashed would immediately die from having a massive shard of wood from the mangled wooden track rammed through their jugular vein. There were more people being killed by pointy bits of wood than the edited highlights of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. The fact that riders had an average life expectancy of about 4 minutes made the sport a huge hit in the post-WWI Roaring Twenties era.
Unfortunately Board Track motorcycle racing fizzled out when they ran out of riders because literally everyone crazy enough to try it out had been stabbed through the jugular with a gigantic splinter and killed instantly. But people these days are much tougher than they were 100 years ago, right???
Ummm… right?
Rollerball Sprint Races
The trouble with MotoGP is that it’s a team sport but only one bloke gets the glory. Surely there must be some way for the mechanics, catering chefs and PR muppets to get involved?
Yes, there is!
The classic 1975 movie “Rollerball” shows us the way.
In this film, set in a futuristic fascist dystopia (like we all lived in from 2020-22), hard-nut James Caan plays “Jonathan”, a superstar player of the Rollerball game. Basically it’s a team sport held in a wooden velodrome type arena. Most of the team are on roller skates, and they have to grab a heavy steel ball and throw it into a tiny goal mouth hole thing to score a point.
They’re allowed to horribly assault and maim each other without getting penalized (much like British football in the 1970s). To spice things up, each team has 3 motorcycles which can tow the skaters around, making everything ludicrously hazardous!
It’s a hilariously violent film, especially towards the end of the movie when the teams stop pretending Rollerball is a real sport and just start to flat-out murder each other.
Turning the MotoGP Sprint Race into a game of Rollerball would help to include all members of the teams, injure more riders, and make the sport even more idiotically dangerous than it already is! It’s a win-win-win scenario!