Last weekend premier-Marquez brother Alex crashed out of the opening sprint race after being sick in his helmet. As funny as this sounded it got our methodical brains thinking about the hard to stomach facts involved in such an incident.
Now we all know that performing a rainbow yawn or two after a heavy night on the sauce is a scientifically proven way to feel instantly better – but it’s not nearly as much fun when riding a motorbike and wearing a helmet.
So what are the real problems that poor Alex suffered? Luckily we at MotoGPNews are here to inform you of the dangers and how to solve them!
Causes
Dodgy kebab
A dodgy kebab (also known as ‘any kebab’) is a classic food source peppered with vomit inducing ingredients. From the ‘meat’ which is mainly mechanically fabricated from roadkill, lost pets and fingernail clippings to the unwashed salad and the chef’s worrying ‘special sauce’ this culinary masterpiece is the ultimate way to upset your gizzard.
Normally you may have the inner mental strength to stomach a dirty kebab, but when riding a motorcycle at high speed the ‘jiggling motion’ is nearly always enough to activate the chunk Gods.
Sam Smith – or a picture of
The last thing you, or anyone, wants to see when enjoying a lovely scenic motorcycle ride is Sam Smith. The overweight sack of rancid anal-seepage is enough to overcome even the strongest of stomachs into a retching spasm-fest.
For this reason, and many others, we at MotoGPNews believe Smith should be humanely destroyed at the earliest possible time.
Alcohol
As any night out with Hector Barbera and Pecco Bagnaia would tell you drinking alcohol and then ‘having a blast’ on the bike is probably a very poor idea. But even if you’re feeling ‘a lot less dizzy’ it’s worth noting that you could throw your ring up unexpectedly at any time.
Dangers
Visor
Human vomit has evolved over many thousands of years to have the perfect viscosity where it can be successfully projected yet remain adhesive enough to stick to the porcelain – that way you can visually prove to your partner (and even yourself) in the morning just how ill you actually were. The problem with this fine evolution is that when confined to the insides of a helmet the vomit is randomly plastered to the inside of your visor and will prove almost impossible to remove whilst moving.
Clogging
Opening the visor therefore is the best and safest option to remain unfallen. However, again thanks to the evolution of vomit (thanks Darwin), there’s a very high chance that the sticky liquid will have clogged up the visor mechanism. It only takes one well position piece of unprocessed tikka chicken to jam solid any premium visor.
Centrifugal forces
But say you do manage to open your visor in time to avoid the number 23 bus to Middleton are your worries over? Not quite. The centrifugal forces within your helmet, as you look left-and-right for an opportunity to pull over will cause the multi-food stomach puree to be hurled around inside your lid. This could then easily end up lodged in any facial orifice – such as your eyes or earhole.
Solution
Open faced helmet
Feel like you could blow chunks? Then an open-faced helmet is a sure-fire way to allow a clean and safe projectiled vomit with minimal fuss. Better still you can easily wipe out any stray remaining particles caught in your beard on the back of your clutch hand without having to even slow down to under a ton!
How to successfully vomit whilst moving without crashing
Choose a side
A forward facing vomit would literally come back to smack you in the face. And given you have an open-faced helmet there’s every chance you’ll accidentally consume some of the debris causing you to throw up even more. A vicious circle.
Instead pick a side. We suggest aiming towards the pavement. Why? Well spewing onto oncoming traffic may cause them to swerve to avoid it…which may be bad news for you. Also aiming at the pavement could give great comedy value – like if it lands in a pram or coats a beige line of a group of pensioners waiting for a bus.
Angle of attack
Whilst travelling at great speed it would seem natural to aim your head down. However this is a poor idea as vomit is often slippery and may end up under your rear tyre. Furthermore the spewage would almost certainly end up being sucked into your airbox and engine internals causing untold long-term damage and possibly voiding the warranty.
Instead try to aim 15 degrees above the natural horizon level. This may prove difficult at first so we advise practising at home with a friend until you have the technique mastered.
At this angle the ‘parabolic arc of goodness’ should be sufficient to comfortably make it to the pavement without ever endangering you or your machinery. And from there you’d be free to continue your journey safe in the knowledge you’re more skilled than Alex Marquez.