Winners
Getting away with it
Back in the 90s Michael Jackson admitted having sleepovers with children in his bed. But because Michael was the so-called ‘King of Pop’ and incredibly popular his fans looked the other way and claimed he was just ‘misunderstood’.
Imagine, then, if that would have been ‘Dodgy Dave’ from down the road. Would he have been classified as ‘misunderstood’? Or beaten by a gang with sticks? Jackson’s popularity meant he got away with it. Dave, less so.
Moving on to Bagnaia. In the summer break the Italian crashed his hire car whilst drunk on the party island of Ibiza. He reasoned that he never drinks-and-drives so when he does drink-and-drive he’s usually a lot more intoxicated than the average offender…and the fact he crashed clearly shows that he doesn’t do this very often as if he did then he’d have learnt how not to crash. The police in Ibiza didn’t see it quite the same however…
Now if this would have been a rider Ducati were keen to get rid off without paying them (like Lorenzo or Dovizioso in their day) then you can bet your last spleen the team would have sacked, shamed and publicly flogged with limp fettuccine the offending rider.
But Ducati need Bagnaia. They’ve already ditched Miller and their up-and-coming hotshots are seemingly looking a tad lukewarm all of a sudden.
So ‘Five and Drive’ Pecco got away with it. Ducati decided to say nothing and pretend it never happened…like the security staff at Neverland that needed their job.
And that meant that now his headache has gone and police fines paid Pecco could get back to doing what he does best – winning races when he’s not in the title fight.
Drunk on success this time Bagnaia’s victory now means he has more wins than any other rider, is the top Ducati rider and has closed the gap to the leader to less than 50 points. Just don’t tell him that he’s a title favourite or he’ll start falling off again.
Miguel Oliveira
Remember him? We do…but we had to think really hard about it for ages. Apparently he still rides for KTM and, unless Wikipedia is mocking us, has won a race this year.
But after his win the incest loving Portuguese rider then crawled under the radar like a F-117 constructed worm. He fell off a bit or finished in the double-digit positions.
But at Silverstone Miguel the Random Number Generator (MRNG) rolled a particularly good dice and finished the race in an impressive 6th position. Not that anyone at all noticed. Not even his team.
Moto3
We all hate those people who bring you a book unannounced and insist that you have to read it. They’ve probably told you about it in the past and foolishly you showed a modest amount of interest to humour them. Then they always ask “have you read it yet? You’ll love it”. It’s not like listening to a record or watching a film – it’s hours and hours of commitment that you don’t want to do. It’s the same people who insist the book is better than the film. We don’t need those people in our lives.
But at the risk of being ‘one of those’ – if you get chance to watch the Moto3 race do so. It was a cracker.
We get it – many of you have busy family lives and barely have time to watch the MotoGP race in peace let alone the support races. But this one time we recommend sending the kids to bed early telling them that they’ve done something so naughty you can’t even talk about it…and then watch the Moto3 race.
Oh and when the kids get up in the morning all upset and ask you what they did wrong – tell them nothing and that they must have dreamt it.
Maverick Vinales
This time last year Top Gun was Top Done having been unceremoniously booted out of Yamaha for trying to break their engines. The Yamaha suits also told Mav’s annoying dad to sling his gizzard too. His career looked deader than Goose.
But, like the film franchise that we’re tenuously clinging onto here, there was to be an epic sequel.
Aprilia looked beyond the clickbait headlines and saw something special in Mav. Desperation. And desperation usually comes at a cost – a very low one. So for less cash than Uccio’s monthly Uber Eats expenditure the troubled Spaniard was back in MotoGP within a few months.
And what a move. Having spent 4.543 billion years being ‘not quite there, or not quite there abouts’ Aprilia superglued an even bigger front wing to their machine and produced a race winning bike…just in time for Vinales’ move.
Having spend the last few months getting used to the quirks of the Aprilia bike and the quirks of Aprilia’s budget friendly canteen Mav finally hit the podium at the last race in Holland. But was that a legal Dutch high? Not at all!
At Silverstone Vinales was the fastest rider. A poor start and maybe some overly cautious passing attempts meant the bi-polar Spaniard couldn’t quite pull off the victory but still finished in a brilliant second place…
Losers
Maverick Vinales
…but it could have been a win. And a win would have been infinitely better.
Poor Mav came so, so close to winning. Having finally made his way into third place with just a handful of laps remaining the troubled Spaniard swallowed some extra lithium and immediately caught DUI Bagnaia.
On the penultimate lap Vinales snatched the lead only for his Ducati rival to take it back. But surely this was just a test run? Sadly not. Despite his best efforts Aprilia and Mav had to settle for a glorious, but somehow disappointing, second place.
Johann Zarco
He was fastest in practice. He had the fastest simulated race pace. He qualified on pole. He got the hole shot and was leading the race comfortably…
Johann Zarco’s maiden MotoGP victory was in his grasp. Silverstone was Zarco’s to lose. And he really lost it. Not just ‘lost’ like being down the back of the sofa along with that key you don’t remember what it unlocks – but like one encased in a Coldplay CD case and dropped into an active volcano.
In short Zarco fell off whilst leading. And you could see the sad faced mime artist through his helmet. It was such a disappointment for him, his team and all of us who wanted him to take his first ever MotoGP victory despite his passport.
Fabio Quartarararararo
The championship leader came to Silverstone knowing that he needed to take a long lap penalty in the race for trying too hard in Holland. But knowing this meant Fabio could practice and practice the long lap section so that when it came to the race he’d lose minimal time.
Sadly this meant he forgot to practice the rest of the lap and come race day he was not his usual self – finishing in a disappointing 8th place. He blamed his result on the tyres or something – I can’t remember. But as poor a result as it was for Quartarararararo he was still substantially better than his teammate Morbidelli.
Aleix Espargaro
With Frenchie Quartarararararo throwing in the baguette the British GP would have been an excellent opportunity for Aleix to claw back some points on his amaryllidaceae-odoured rival.
Sadly this happened in FP4:
The crash ended up fracturing Espargaro’s ankle and turned his hair even whiter (like from that Crash Test Dummy’s song).
In the race the Spaniard battled bravely. But, as any Parisian would tell you, bravery doesn’t score points. Aleix would end up finishing just behind Fabio in 9th place. But seeing his teammate finishing second, and knowing he’s usually at least 25% better than Vinales, he probably missed a golden opportunity to take a win.