How did the riders rate on their one and only visit to Jerez this year? We bring you the carefully calculated numbers that tell the story.
Top ten finishers rated out of 10
Jack Miller – 10 out of 10
After starting the season as the worst of the non-rookie Ducati riders and also having the daftest moustache, Jack had plenty of room for improvement. Luckily he was too much of a dope to realize that tight, twisty Jerez isn’t even remotely a Ducati track. But, with Quartarararo disappearing backwards, Jackass took his first dry weather MotoGP win and Ducati’s first win at Jerez in 15 years. He later put his improved form down to a vigorous pep talk from Cal Crutchlow’s wife. (Okaaaayyyy….)
Pecco Bananas – 9 out of 10
Another great Ducati performance from the impressive youngster, who is a damn sight better on the Duke than his mentor Rossi ever was.
Frankie Morbidelli – 9 out of 10
Getting a 2 year old bike onto the podium is almost as ridiculous as Yamaha’s excuses for refusing to give him a brand new 2021 machine. They claim that the Petronas team couldn’t afford it ‘cos they’d spent too much money hiring some overpriced, yellow-clad clown to entertain the backmarkers. A likely story indeed!
Taka Nakagami – 8 out of 10
First Honda rider home and less than a second off the podium. Clearly he has started to add plenty of hot wasabi paste to his pre-race noodles and is serving them up piping hot.
Joan Mir – 7 out of 10
The two identikit Suzuki riders are in a competition to see who can suck most compared to their brilliant 2020 season. This time Mir was the one to stay on board, while Rins went for a fairing-scraping detour through the scenery.
Aleix Asparagus – 8 out of 10
The formerly-random Spaniard keeps performing far better than anyone on an Aprilia has any right to. May have indulged in some kind of Satanic ritual to make the underfunded bike this quick and consistent, so we should keep a beady eye on him.
Maverick Vinales – 6 out of 10
Top Gun Vinales is very much a Monday morning rider (he’s always quick in the post-race test). Well off the pace that his team-mate set early on in the race. Still more random than a coin flip.
Johann Zarco – 6 out of 10
One of the top Ducati riders, except when he isn’t.
Marc Marquez – 6 out of 10
Almost back on last year’s Jerez form during the practise sessions, in that he had another terrifying crash and nearly got hit by the bike again. In past years he would have shrugged off a 110mph upside-down trip to the airfence, but he has a pretty lop-sided shrug these days.
Pol Asparagus – 8 out of 10
Well off the pace, but gets extra marks for going off piste with an angry rant about how Honda are a bunch of disorganized muppets that give all their riders different packages, so nobody knows how to set up the bike, how to use the tyres, or whose half-eaten noodles those are in the team fridge.
Selected other riders:
Miguel Oliveira – 7 out of 10
Finished in 12th as top KTM rider on a bike that hates this year’s tyres more than Rossi fans hate the long list of riders who they claim to have disrespected their yellow messiah.
Fabio Quartarararo – 5 out of 10
Started off heading for 10 out of 10, but suffered severe arm pump mid-race. This is unusual because he’s usually more prone to suffering severe brain pump under pressure. Spent the first half of the race running away into the distance, and the second half surrendering positions, so at least he’s still battling like a true Frenchman.
Valentino Rossi – 1 out of 10
He might be one of the greatest riders of all time, but Vale could only finish in 17th and seems to be all out of ideas. At least the kids he mentors were swarming over the podium. Rossi is now just marking time until he’s a team boss and can spend quality time in the garage with Uccio during races.
Lorenzo Savadori – 0.4 out of 1.0
Finished 19th, just in front of last place finisher Alex Rins, who had crashed and remounted.
Jorge Lorenzo – 9 out of 10
When he was a MotoGP racer, Horhay was usually a sour-faced, moaning git. Now that he’s a YouTube pundit with his own show, he’s cheered right up as he sits in his Swiss mansion slagging off the current riders and telling rambling anecdotes about how awesome he used to be. In the Jerez episode, he gleefully stoked up his mutual hatred with Jackass Miller. Not only did he award the Aussie a measly 8 points out of 10 for winning the race, he then went off on a patronising lecture about how Jack really isn’t good enough to compete at the front. He then proceeded to outrage the yellow mafia by saying much the same about Valentino Rossi. Top quality trolling from the Mallorcan has-been.