Winners
Vinales
Mav was on his A-game all weekend and proved to be especially spellbinding during the race. But I’ve learnt my lesson. Here’s a typical scene from the last few seasons:
- Vinales qualifies well but drops down the order in the race. A certain ‘bitter demographic’ jump to attack the Spaniard claiming his head has gone.
- Next race Vinales wins with style and I mock all those who ever doubted him.
- The following race Vinales qualifies well but drops down the order in the race. I look like a chump and would have been better defending Derek Chauvin than Maverick.
So there’s absolutely no way I’m saying this is the start of a great year for our favourite bipolar Spaniard. I hope it is. But it probably won’t be. And that’s as confident as I’ll ever be.
France
It’s been a glorious week for Europe’s least washed nation. It started when they successfully lobbied for the EU to prevent vaccines going to the UK without having to ask one single lorry driver to cause an odorous blockade at Calais. Better still the heroic nation did it all via a Zoom meeting so could remain safely in bed drinking red wine and not have to face anyone that might scare them by talking with a German accent.
Then on Sunday they polished the Louvre yet more by having not one but two riders finish in the top five. This result was officially France’s greatest concentration of brave people which could easily see the pairing added to the Bayeux Tapestry retrospectively.
Johann ‘always laughing’ Zarco was the top frog finishing the race in a surprisingly spectacular second and as the top Ducati. All this despite his accountant’s haircut.
Meanwhile Fabio Quartarararararo also saluted his baguette to the Tricolore by securing a solid fifth place. Fab looked to be having a mid-race dip in speed but when his pit-board notified him that the German Stefan Bradl was closing in on his Champs-Élysées Quartarararararo found an extra gear to flee away faster than ever before.
Ducati’s launch system
Jack Miller noted before the race that it didn’t really matter where he qualified as he’d be near the front by the first corner. And he wasn’t wrong. As soon as the lights went out the Ducati’s were gone quicker than a bucket of KFC at a Weight Watchers meeting.
In the early days Ducati’s launch system was a rudimentary affair mainly consisting of a piece of wire attached around Petrucci’s waist and, using the relativistic dispersion relation, a series of pullies that were fastened to the swingarm. Since pioneering the launch system Ducati have improved upon it non-stop to the point on Sunday where their launch-control was so effective it allowed Jorge Martin from 14th on the grid to overtake all the none-Ducati’s into the first bend.
Sadly for Yamaha their launch system is far less advanced – it’s just a message that pops up on the rider’s screen at the start of the race saying “go faster – they’re getting away”.
Losers
Jack Miller
He was everyone’s favourite to win. He was even his own favourite to win. But sadly his popularity outweighed his ability (see Mark Webber’s career for further details) as the simple Ozzy failed to live up to the pre-race hype.
I’m not sure why we ever thought it would be any different. Like so many times before Jack’s action-packed style packed up the action of his tyres around mid-race forcing him to slip him back to 9th.
KTM
KTM’s results in the desert were sadly more baron than Iannone’s work schedule. Austria’s third most famous export never looked like poking their sorry heads into the top ten all weekend. Oliveira managed 13th, Binder 14th and some other rider I’ve never heard of 17th.
Regrettably though it was Danilo Petrucci who ended up being KTM’s prize pudding. After getting carried away at the Apfelstrudel trolley Daniel’s increased mass negatively affected the bike’s centre of gravity so significantly that the curvy Italian could only manage a few corners before toppling over – and thus setting off precautionary siren alarms all over Japan.
Petronas Yamaha
When your team consists of the most successful rider in recent history and the rider ranked 2nd in the world you’d probably expect better results than a 12th and 18th place. But that’s what they got.
Rossi blamed his tyres whereas Morbidelli had an actual problem with his bike that left him toddling around at the back being laughed at by Bradley Smith.