Thai red curry
One of Thailand’s most delicious dishes. And because it’s in Thailand (and not the disease riddled India with their open sewer dishwashers) there’s much less chance you’ll be ‘bleeding the radiator’ in the middle of the night.
This award goes to the best red thing in Thailand.
Winner: Ducati
On Saturday MotoGP officially reached its lowest ebb in the sea of disappointment. All eight Ducati riders finished in the top eight positions.
A brilliant result for the Bolognaise based team. Terrible for the viewers.
Thai green curry
Exactly the same as a Thai red curry but a different colour and not quite as good.
This award goes to the best green thing in Thailand.
Winner: Green kerbs
Jorge Martin’s win in the sprint race raised a few eyebrows as the detuned Spaniard seemingly crossed on to the hated green kerbs four times and should have received a penalty. Second place finisher Pecco Bagnaia, who knows all too well about the penalties of mounting a kerb when tipsy in a hire car, slyly attempted to do a ‘Jonathan Rea’ after the race by grassing up Martin claiming he counted four times his rival had ridden on the green paint and was waiting for the penalty. Subtle.
But Jorge was ultimately not penalised. Why? Well apparently the Spaniard crossed the green kerbs at areas that didn’t mean he’d gain an advantage meaning not all of a green kerb is classified as a green kerb.
So that’s nice and clear then. Can’t understand why everyone hates them.
Phi Phi islands
The once stunning Phi-Phi islands suffered their death sentence in 1996 when the Leonardo DiCaprio film ‘The Beach’ was released. After the film everyone wanted to visit the islands and tourism went into overdrive. Today the islands are disgusting. Filled with tacky tourist tat and overrun with vile Russian holidaymakers posting on Instagram whilst dodging the draft.
This award goes to the ‘once great now terrible’ rider.
Winner: Joan Mir
Wikipedia claims that Joan was once a world champion. If this is true, which it probably isn’t, then the Spaniard really shouldn’t be as poor as he is.
Bangkok tuk-tuk driver
No visit to Bangkok is complete without a life altering trip in a tuk-tuk. Marvel at the way your driver ignores all road rules and speeds through the mass of lethal traffic without a care in the world for the risk of his, yours and everyone else’s life with every terrible decision he makes. Whether you suffer modest lacerations or full-on life changing injuries a Thai tuk-tuk ride is something you’ll never forget…unless you’re one of the 15% that end up with a head-on-road brain trauma.
This award goes to the craziest rider who cared little about his or anyone’s safety.
Winner: Marc Marquez
We’ve witnessed at just about every race this season a ruthless and reckless Marc Marquez crash through his opponents in such a style that would have the Bangkok tuk-tuk drivers nodding their scarred heads with approval. And in Thailand it was more of the same.
On Saturday Marc never stood a chance against the mighty 2024 Ducatis – especially Bagnaia’s bike that had had its engine turned up to 110% in an attempt to beat Jorge Martin. However on Sunday the rain was falling and the Spanish Antichrist knew he was in with a chance of victory…enter the three stage tuk-tuk ride:
- Stage 1: Attempt an overtake anywhere you can with no concern for the other party
- Stage 2: Crash
- Stage 3: Dust yourself down, restart and ram someone else off the road
Koh Lipe
One of the many hidden gems of Thailand Koh Lipe is a stunning island with an amazing vibe.
This award goes to a brilliant ride that went under the radar.
Winner: Johann Zarco
Zarco’s brilliant ride to 8th in the main race almost went unnoticed amidst the action (or lack of) happening elsewhere. Johann, who harbours one of North Korea’s 28 state approved haircuts, has been the best Honda rider all season. However in the wet the beret wearing Honda rider took it to the next level and absolutely humiliated his other HRC rivals – which is weird given the French’s hatred of clean water.
Lady boy
It’s an unfortunate fact that Thailand is littered with Lady Boys who parade around on a night hoping to snag a fat European.
This award goes to the rider that started out brilliantly but got a nasty shock towards the climax.
Winner: Jack Miller
It’s been a tough season for Jack. The Australian is by now used to being beaten by his teammate but 2024 has proven bad even by his standards with his teammate Brad Binder having more than double the points. Then there’s been the annoyance that is Pedro Acosta – the tofu on Miller’s BBQ.
But for once things were going Jack’s way in a wet Thailand. With just a few laps remaining the KTM rider, who is the type of person who would voluntarily step in water with socks, found himself heading towards a podium finish.
Sadly all the euphoria disappeared as the appendage of Acosta thrust into view, stole his position and left him limp and confused.
Thai massage
What could be more relaxing than a Thai massage? Well quite a lot of stuff actually. A typical Thai massage revolves around a petite woman beating and bending the crap out of you for an hour. The masseur is skilled in ensuring that every aspect of your body is tortured in ways usually reserved by the Taliban. Do you feel better afterwards? Yes. But only because it’s over.
This award goes to the rider that caused the most pain.
Winner: Franco Morbidelli
Morbidelli caused a lot of pain on Sunday:
- Physical pain to Fabio Quartarararo
- Pain in the throats of the Yamaha team as they screamed at the TV when it was announced Morbidelli would only receive one long lap penalty for ruining their rider’s race.
- Pain in the stomachs of the Yamaha team from laughing when Franky inevitably fell off
But the biggest pain was in the hearts of the Primark Ducati team knowing they had one of the only four best bikes on the grid yet somehow they managed to have Morbidelli riding it.
Full moon parties
Thailand’s full moon parties are legendary throughout the country to the point where ‘new moon’, ‘half moon’ and ‘waxing gibbous moon’ parties conveniently now crop up.
A typical full moon party involves a bunch of drunk European’s who are in South East Asia to ‘find themselves’. However after an evening of cheap alcohol and drugs it becomes less about ‘finding themselves’ and more about ‘finding their passport and wallet’.
This award goes to the rider who seemed dazed and confused wondering what the hell has just happened.
Winner: Fabio Quartarararo
Poor Fabio never knew what hit him – well actually he did. It was Morbidelli.
The weekend started so positively too when the likeable yet French rider qualified his Yamaha nail onto the second row. That, scientists predict, was the mathematical equivalent of finding a likeable person with dyed blue hair.
However on Sunday, as Fabio impressed the world by being in 5th position, the ‘Full Moon effect’ was about to hit him. And hard.
The Yamaha rider never even saw his ex-teammate Franky Morbidelli pile through him faster than a Panzer down the Champs-Élysées. The manoeuvre was so uncontrollably blockheaded that the hapless Quartarararo had no prior knowledge to the impending impact.
Just like the tourist at the Full Moon party Fabio was left crawling around in the sand wondering what had happened, how he got there and where his belongings were.