A few weeks ago it looked a shoe-in certainty that Moto2 journeyman Joe Roberts would be joining the all-American Trackhouse Make Aprilia Great Again MotoGP team. It made complete sense. Joe was American, had a famous surname, wasn’t terrible like Kurtis Roberts and had a radar proof face based on the Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk. The team had a space and Roberts was the obvious choice.
However before the Austrian GP last weekend it was announced by Trackhouse MAGA Racing that they had chosen the incredibly average Moto2 rider Ai Ogura instead – and with that Joe Roberts became the first rider to ever be replaced by AI.
Roberts’ soul appeared crushed in Austria – with the Californian switching to a ‘well what’s the point in trying?’ method of riding that saw him finish somewhere that I can’t remember. But what if we were to tell you that there is a better option? One that everyone, except woke twat Sebastian Piffleton, would love? The return of Colin Edwards!
The Texas Windbag Colin Edwards has long since left the MotoGP paddock. And it’s been poorer for it ever since. After retiring from racing Colin became a popular and knowledgeable (except the winning part) presenter. However Edwards was slyly phased out by the TV channels for not towing the popular lefty rhetoric that states all families are mixed race and illegal immigrants are awesome.
But we at MGPN want him back. And back on the track. So here are our top five reasons why Trackhouse Racing should rethink their 2025 line up and hire Colin Edwards instead:
He’d actually be popular
No one has an opinion of Ai Ogura. No one likes him and no one dislikes him. Most don’t even know who he is – and those that do probably can’t spell his surname. However 95% of the MotoGP audience will know the Texan rider. And of that 95% that do 110% of them will love him. We’re no mathematicians here at MGPN but we reckon those numbers would make Trackhouse Racing very popular with everyone.
Old school style
As MotoGP riders get smaller and smaller and the bikes bigger and bigger the ‘new school’ way of riding when cornering is to hang off the bike like a circus primate. All very spectacular but a bit tiresome these days.
Colin’s retro one-off style, however, is at complete odds with this new-fangled technique. Instead the win-shy American uses his extended neck to push his head as far to the inside of a corner like a Scotsman peering over a wall for a lost 50p. Indeed Edwards’ head is so far away from his body on the inside of a corner that it’s estimated that it travels 23% less distance than his torso and is effected by gravitational time dilation. Probably.
PR Unfriendly
By the time riders make it into MotoGP they have been comprehensively trained in only saying what should be heard and not what they think. Like married men. This is why all interviews are mind numbingly boring these days – even more so in WSBK if James Toseland is involved.
But Colin Edwards comes from the old-school way of saying whatever he thinks – and throwing in a handful of dirty innuendos and expletives in for good measure. And who doesn’t love hearing a flustered presenter apologising live on air for something that shouldn’t have been said before 9pm?
Not Spanish or Italian
The closest the Texan ever came to being Italian was when he accidentally ordered Lasagna at Bob’s Steak & Chop House. Thankfully he was able to throw it on the floor and order a massive lump of delicious cow instead. MotoGP needs American racers – and real old-fashioned Americans at that.
He wouldn’t actually win
For all his years in MotoGP Edwards never managed to win a race. The closest the American came was at Assen when the ‘cathedral of dreams’ turned into a ‘pit of despair’ as he fell off on the last corner whilst leading.
But this is a good thing! Everyone loves an underdog and a trier. Take Bagnaia for example – before he started winning he was quite popular. But now he does everyone wants him to lose. Colin wouldn’t have this problem.