Lately there have been far too many incidents of MotoGP riders touring on the racing line during qualification sessions. Do they think they’re Moto3 riders or something? This practise exercised in qualifying practise has to stop. It’s dangerous and idiotic. (Like a Moto3 rider). In this article, we investigate ways to discourage MotoGP stars (and crap test riders doing wildcards) from cruising at 40mph on the apex of 120mph corners.
Make Slow Riders Go BOOOOM!!!
You know that Keanu movie? The one with the bus that has to keep its speed up above 50mph, and if the speed drops below 50mph then it explodes? I think it’s called, “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down”. Anyway, we should do the same to MotoGP bikes. Put a bit of a delay on it so they can get round the hairpins, but if they spend too long going slow, the bike should go KABLOOEEYYY!!!. (It doesn’t matter if the bike goes boom in Pit Lane, the mechanics can fix anything these days, what with computers and all).
Nut Clamp
You’ve heard of a Triple Clamp? (No? Never mind, it doesn’t matter). Well, MotoGP bikes should be fitted with a nut clamp. A large industrial vice should be bolted onto the seat unit. (Or a “vise” if you’re an American and therefore can’t speel prooperly or brew anything resembling the substance known as “beer”). If riders go too slowly on a qualifying lap, the vice will gently but insistently squeeze their gonads and thereby encourage them to buck up their ideas about how fast an in-lap should be completed. Admittedly it would add a bit of weight above the centre of gravity, but the benefits would outweigh the downsides.
Give Control Of The Throttle To A Nearby Monkey
The throttle turns both ways. But mostly it should be pinned wide open. Monkeys understand this, even if Stefan Bradl doesn’t. If a rider goes too slow, the actuation of his ride by wire throttle should be passed to a remote control operated by a trackside monkey. Preferably a monkey who is tired and irritable because he didn’t get a KTM ride this year.
Force Slow Riders To Listen To Coldplay
There can be no worse torture than listening to Coldplay. This is why the CIA created Coldplay in the first place, so they could use the band’s appalling, upper middle class, woke, vegan, whiny, finger-wagging dirges to torture people at Guantanamo (They would’ve just made the inmates listen to BBC Radio 4 but couldn’t get good enough reception). MotoGP riders should have to wear earphones, and if they go too slowly then Coldplay music should start blaring out. Of course, forcing people to listen to the world’s whiniest and worst band would be illegal in every jurisdiction on the planet, but Dorna could just brazen it out like they always do.
Electric Handlebars
There would be no racing without Trackside Marshals, but they don’t have much freedom. They can wave a yellow flag if somebody crashes next to them, show a “diminished adhesion” yellow and red striped flag if somebody’s bike just went kablooey and spewed oil all over the place for no apparent reason, and show a white with red X flag if it’s raining in this sector. But that’s about it. So let’s give our orange-clad heroes a bit more control of their environment! If a rider is touring on the racing line, the marshals should have a button that they can press to electrocute the slowpoke. The miscreant will either speed up or highside into a gravel trap, in which case they can surround him and put the boot in a few times to display their displeasure. There is literally no downside to this suggestion.
Conclusion
It’s amazing that none of these suggestions have been adopted already.