In news that will shock absolutely nobody the 2024 Kazakh GP has been cancelled and replaced with a far more predictable race.
What? Can we go back to the beginning?
Sure. The Kazakhstan GP was first dreamt up in 2022. Dorna, in an effort to please DEI drivel, came up with the following nonsensical criteria needed for a new race:
- Weather is cold and wet
- Locals are worryingly simple yet angry and wear clothes that make them look ridiculous
- Locals also have bad teeth and breath.
- No one understands the dialect.
- Positioned in the middle of a barren wasteland
Using the above criteria Knockhill in Scotland was the obvious choice. However the event was said to clash with the Highland’s Miss McHairyLegs Bagpipe bladder festival so Dorna instead decided to award the contract to an unbuilt track in the middle of Kazakhstan. This also meant the proposed event would have the added bonus of the possibility of fragments from a failed Soyuz rocket launch raining down onto proceedings.
2022? So what happened?
The race was planned to go ahead in 2023 overlooking the ‘almost insignificant’ detail of Kazakhstan having to build an entire track and facilities within 12 months. This was said to be an easy task as the nation would use supplies from this month’s Hare Krishna evictees.
Sadly though it soon became apparent that instead of building a track the crafty locals had spent most of their time eating testicle soup inside a yurt and racing saiga antelopes between marshes.
So it was cancelled?
Unsurprisingly yes. However Dorna were assured that this was just a technical setback and that the race would 100% definitely go ahead in 2024 and even provided them with a drone photo proving it:
So was it finished?
Of course not. Instead of building a track the crafty locals this time spent most of their time wrestling each other in their y-fronts in the rain. However the circuit owners had a cunning trick up their sleeves and claimed that their track had been flooded in a freak ‘totally average for this time of year’ rainstorm. The flooding was claimed to have ‘washed away many aspects of the circuit to the point where it appeared that these areas had never been started in the first place’.
So it was cancelled again?
Of course! However the foolhardy track owners claimed that without the flood the circuit would have been 100% finished and would be finished again later in the year. It was to be a fib that would unfortunately bite them on their malnutritioned arses…
What happened?
The Indian GP was cancelled.
What? And why?
The Indian GP – the most forgettable and pointless race on the MotoGP calendar. It was cancelled when, unsurprisingly again, the race organisers turned out to be ‘a bit dodgy’ probably funnelling their funds through a scam call centre.
The cancelled race meant that Dorna, showing the aptitude of an egg wearing a hat, thought it would be a great idea to give the race, that was scheduled for September, back to Kazakhstan.
And let me guess, the track still wasn’t finished?
Correct. Instead the locals had just sat around eating oatmeal and beefing about the UK Government…oh hang on that’s Knockhill again…
Anyway, the Kazakh event ended up being cancelled for the 50th time and Dorna said that they would only trust them a few more times. Maybe ten.
So where now?
The moved, cancelled, moved, cancelled Kazakhstan event has been replaced with a far more predictable race in Italy at Misano.
Hurrah! But don’t we already have a race there?
Yes! And that’s the best bit. The second race, that will be renamed the ‘Emilio Estevez GP’, will be run two weeks after the actual Misano race. This should allow all the teams to have plenty of data ensuring that the racing is as dull and predictable as possible.
All’s well that ends well then?
Not quite. The second race on the 22nd of September will clash with the Italian round of the World Superbikes being held at the Crematorium Circuit. Up until this year no one had watched World Superbikes since the mid 90’s however this season has seen a huge bump in viewers. The increased interest is mainly thanks to WSBK being the only world championship that Ducati are getting beaten in – thanks to the skills of Toprak Razgatlıasbhwqwe18erfashgfrweqaAR on the crappy BMW.
So, all in all, it’s a complete screw up?
Technically yes.