Winner
Pecco Bagnaia
This weekend’s only winner. Better than everyone else by such a huge margin that it bored us all to tears.
Losers
Holland
It’s not easy being Dutch. Growing up all Dutch children’s feet become sinisterly deformed with wooden shoes whilst having to continuously stick their finger in poorly maintained walls to stop a flood that will drown thousands. Then there’s trying to get to sleep whilst living above a 24-hour sex-shop or state-funded brothel. Finally there’s the terrible food – when was the last time you heard the words “let’s go out for a Netherlands”? This is why drugs are legal in Holland.
Luckily the windmill dwellers have the most amazing race circuit in the world. Or at least they used to have until they cut it in half and made it 50% as good. Why did they do that? So they could build more hotels for the visitors of the track…that then mysteriously reduced by 50%.
But the Assen track is still great. So the locals can take their deformed feet, hop on the nearest girl’s bicycle and pedal their way through the used syringes to see some amazing racing. Only this time they couldn’t. The racing was awful – to the point that the biggest action happened in the steward’s office after the race.
But at least the Dutch had Collin Veijer. Who’s he? He’s the Moto3 rider that looked set to win his first race in front of his Edam eating countrymen. Sadly though Collin was overtaken on the last corner of the last lap…
But at least the Dutch have Max Verstappen. And let’s not forget that no one in Holland had even heard of Formula One before Max became champion and then, in less than 24 hours, they all became season experts/hooligans. The ‘swipe left’ face of Verstappen was ‘racing’ just over the border in Austria and was expected to win in front of an army of orange clad halfwits. But he screwed up and acted like a spoilt child.
Jorge Martin
Two second places would be a great result for any other rider. But not for the angry Spaniard. Yet again, with the ‘help’ of remote tuning, the Martinator found he suddenly had nothing to fight Bagnaia with and instead had to witness his championship lead reduced again…
Repsolless Honda
Like Disney Repsolless Honda can easily hit rock bottom then continue to dig. Not a point anywhere in sight all weekend for the once great team.
In Sunday’s race Luca ‘Morris’ Marini continued his consistent run of steady last places by, unsurprisingly, finishing last over 70 seconds behind the leader. Meanwhile Joan Mir was also off the pace and fell off, for the 87th time this season, trying not to be.
It was a weekend that will have many a top-wok falling on their swords having dishonoured themselves, their family, their haircut and their country.
Marc Marquez
Marc came to Assen bristling with confidence knowing he’d be a factory rider next season having seen off his hated countryman Jorge ‘rage-quit’ Martin. But this didn’t really help.
The most loathed man in Italy fell off in the sprint race and in the main race found out that his lazy engineers hadn’t pumped his front tyre up enough. Fearing disqualification under the ‘Oxley ruling’ Marc tried to increase the pressure by riding as close behind another rider as possible – a tactic that he gained mass experience in when qualifying on the Honda. But it wasn’t enough. Marquez fell foul of the ruling and was given a whopping 18 second penalty…which still meant he finished ahead of Morbidelli.
Gigi Dall’Igna
Did he make the correct decision when his nipsy was twitching?
Pedro Acosta lovers
The young Spanish stoat is a sensational rider and a once-in-a-lifetime mustelid. We can all agree on that. But what we can agree on more is that we don’t need a continuous barrage of high-pitched commentator girl-squealing about him. We get it. We really do.
Recently, however, Pedro’s achievements have been a lot more sub-Pedro and in Holland it was no exception. A mid place finish in the sprint race and another fall in the main race left Acosta weaselling his way back to the pits with his tail between his legs.
Still better than Jack Miller though.
Me
Imagine having to sit down and attempt to write something funny about this weekend’s races? This, what you’re reading, is my sorry attempt.
Franco Morbidelli
Three out of the four factory spec Ducati riders finished on the podium. Morbidelli was, believe it or not, the other rider. The Italian seat-hogger was never near the podium and instead finished in a woeful 10th place and as the last Ducati finisher.
Marco Bezzecchi
Spent all weekend being not very good or falling off whilst being not very good. Aprilia may now have a few regrets.
Alex Rins
The curly headed Spaniard broke his leg and his hand in yet another unforced error and will now miss the lederhosen-shenanigans next week at the Sausagering.
Aleix Espargaro
Aleix, the most experienced rider on the grid, proved that experience is no substitute for actual experience by falling off on the last corner of the last lap of the sprint race and breaking something (I can’t be bothered looking it up).
Because of this the highly experienced Espargaro gained experience in sitting around on his arse and not racing on Sunday.