Some time soon, Gigi Dall’Igna has to choose who will be team-mate to Pecco Bananas in the factory Ducati team for 2025.
This choice is harder than trying to pronounce the name of the last chicane at Assen without suffering a partially ruptured gizzard.
Pecco is a solid number 2 rider. He’s probably the weakest rider ever to win back to back world titles in the top class. He won the #1 plate two years in a row largely by being a safe pair of hands on the best bike in the best team against incredibly flaky team-mates. (Also known as “doing a Hodgson”). But with KTM having signed the jaw-droppingly talented Pedro Acosta, Ducati need a proper lunatic to be their number 1 rider in the factory team.
Let’s help Gigi out by going through his possible options.
Martinator
Pro: Jorge Martin is already on a factory Ducati bike, faster than Pecco and a complete nutter.
Con: Tendency to lob the bike at the scenery.
Escalator
Pro: A mechanical staircase would certainly help Ducati get on the podium.
Con: 10 metres long and weighs 15,000kg (coincidentally, these are the exact same vital statistics as Danilo Petrucci).
Investigator
Pro: Lieutenant Columbo would be a great choice to investigate chatter and go up against Fast Freddie when appealing his crazy penalties.
Con: Columbo is a terrible driver and probably can’t ride a motorcycle at all.
Circumnavigator
Pro: Former world record holder for solo circumnavigation of the globe Ellen Macarthur would be great in wet weather.
Con: Not renowned for her prowess on dry land.
Defibrillator
Pro: Could resuscitate Davide Tardozzi when the antics of Marc Marquez give him a heart attack.
Con: Might interfere with Ducati’s on-board electronics.
Commentator
Pro: Could score points on a paddock scooter when there were less than 15 riders on track.
Con: Would be hard to stop mechanics decking a commentator as they’re all gobby idiots.
Emancipator
Pro: Abraham Lincoln was good at winning wars, which would come in handy in the battle against KTM.
Con: Tendency to get taken out by lunatics would make him a disaster magnet like Miguel Oliveira.
Procrastinator
Coudn’t be arsed writing anything for this section.
Spectator
Pro: Dragging a random spectator out of the crowd to ride the bike, like Bruce Springsteen did in his music video, would make a great viral clip.
Con: Bradley Smith might have a ticket.
Excavator
Pro: A JCB digger would perform brilliantly in gravel traps.
Con: JCB diggers are much cooler than MotoGP bikes, which would detract from the show.
Prestidigitator
Pro: Jerry Sadowitz is a brilliant prestidigitator (magician) and is also incredibly funny.
Con: He would be banned from all venues and deported from most of the countries on the calendar due to his sick sense of humour.
Dictator
Pro: North Korean leader Kim Jong-un would bring great interest to the sport as the first head of state to compete in MotoGP.
Con: He’d win every race by about 40 seconds.
Conclusion
We don’t envy Gigi. Having to choose between this bunch is nigh-on impossible.