It’s the news that none of us knew we wanted to hear but now that we have we can’t think about anything else – Dani Pedrosa has accepted a boxing match with Jorge ‘butterbean’ Lorenzo.
It’s a mouthwatering mismatch with the loveable and tiny Pedrosa set to square up to the not-so-loveable and quite-fat-these-days Lorenzo.
The date of the punch up has yet to be confirmed but it’s understood to be going ahead as Dorna are already attempting to purchase an atomic force nanoscale measurer for Dani’s weigh-in.
So who’ll win the fight? Rather than previewing the upcoming pesky MotoGP race we’ll instead focus on the far more interesting story of discussing strengths and weaknesses of each matador.
Pedrosa: Strengths
Size
Dani stopped growing on week 7 of being in the womb – which was possibly due to his mother over consuming tobacco flavoured chorizo when pregnant. However his lack of verticalness has aided him throughout his racing career as it allowed him an unrivalled power-to-weight ratio.
So how will this help in the ring? For a start it will force Lorenzo to use only floor-scraping undercut attacks which could play havoc on his back in the later rounds. Furthermore Pedrosa may become hard to spot from the other side of the ring – an issue that will only get worse should Jorge get sweat in his eyes.
Finally, if Dani is losing and/or needs a breather he can hide in the inner workings of the bell until the end of the round.
Size again
Being so small there’s the very strong possibility that Jorge will accidentally step on Dani illegally crushing his bones and thus disqualifying himself and forfeiting the match on a technicality. Obviously this means Pedrosa would have to be rushed to the local rodent veterinary hospital by carrier pigeon for lifesaving micro-micro-surgery but should he recover he’ll have the last laugh…possibly.
Likeability
It’s fair to say that the crowd will be behind Dani. They’ll cheer on the KTM test rider even if they won’t ever be able to see him. Such strong support will only empower the stunted fighter.
Pedrosa: Weaknesses
Size
As mentioned Dani, who lives in a two-bedroom shoe, is a tad on the small size. Should Lorenzo successfully connect a punch to the microscopic test rider then the likelihood is that Pedrosa will be projected out of the ring and possibly the arena.
To counter this it’s expected that Dani will bulk up before the fight to around 4 grams.
Fatigue
Boxing rings are typically around 20 feet square in size. That means for Pedrosa to walk from one corner to the next (should Lorenzo be too fat to move) it would go above his 10k step target. Clearly the miniature rider would be shattered at such a walk and would normally have a rest inside an empty matchbox but would not be able to under the strict World Boxing Association rules.
Brittle bones
Throughout his career poor Dani suffered many broken bones from the crashes he had. This led doctors to discover he had ‘Brittle Bones for Girls Syndrome” (BBFGS). Pedrosa’s bones, that can be snapped easily if pecked at by an inquisitive sparrow, could be a potential weak spot for him along with the fact he currently has 0.23% mass of his rival.
Lorenzo: Strengths
Size
Jorge’s a big lad. Especially since he took up eating. In terms of the match he’ll have a massive weight advantage which could prove crucial when the pair attempt to bray the hell out of each other.
Singing voice
Weirdly Lorenzo’s a fine vocalist and was a finalist in Spain’s version of the celebrity talent show the Masked Singer (seriously – he was). Should Jorge feel that he’s losing the fight the crafty Spaniard could sing falsetto Ricky Martin lyrics at such a high pitch that would be inaudible to regular humans but cause Dani’s microscopic eardrums to burst and seep blood.
Lorenzo: Weaknesses
Unpopularity
It’s fair to predict that everyone watching the fight ringside will be cheering Pedrosa on to win. Indeed even if Lorenzo invites his family they’ll too be secretly hoping that he gets the churros knocked out of him.
With the crowd on his back Jorge may become flustered and let his guard down allowing his opponent to punch him on the toenail.
Poor record in other sports
After retiring from MotoGP Jorge switched over to racing in the Porsche Supercup series. Lorenzo was able to pick up in the Supercup exactly where he left off his Honda MotoGP career – which was disappointing for all concerned.
Given his obvious difficulties with switching sports it’s conceivable that Jorge will be rubbish at boxing too.