There are a lot of things wrong with MotoGP right now. Well, only one thing, really. The aero-squat technical rules. But we’re stuck with those for another few seasons. However, there is one major improvement that MotoGP can introduce immediately.
Monkeys.
Lots of monkeys.
But how can the MotoGP series be more inclusive to our simian cousins?
Monkey Riders
Why are there no monkeys riding MotoGP bikes? There was an impassioned plea from our AI-generated version of esteemed journo David Emmett on this very site to include monkey riders, and we agree with every word of it. Dani Pedrosa was the size of a juvenile howler monkey while Garry McCoy looked almost exactly like one, and they were both awesome. Plus instead of giving bland, corporate answers to awkward questions in press conferences, the monkey riders would start screeching and hurling their droppings at the media.
Verdict
This measure should be introduced immediately.
Monkey Mechanics
What could be more hilarious than seeing a group of monkeys preparing and repairing MotoGP bikes? Plus, bike swaps would be painfully funny as the riders had to shoo various monkeys off the spare bike before riding off. Also, if an especially moody rider like Aleix or Bez stomped into the garage after a bad session and started throwing his gloves and crash helmet around the place, the monkeys would respond by hurling their own droppings back, which would be priceless.
Verdict
Should be trialled initially in Moto3.
Monkey Journalists
MotoGP journos insist on asking the same old questions all the time. And when a rider stonewalls them with monosyllabic answers, all the journos do is make snarky remarks on their podcasts a few days later. Monkey journalists would be much more entertaining as they would respond to a rider’s bland responses by throwing their droppings at him.
Verdict
Wouldn’t make enough of a difference to be worth the trouble.
Monkey Press Officers
MotoGP PR types spend half their time ingratiating themselves with the media and the other half of the time screeching that the media misrepresented their riders’ bird-brained “thinking out loud” quotations. Monkeys would skip the ingratiating part and spend the entire time screeching and hurling their droppings at journalists.
Verdict
KTM have already adopted this measure, with mixed results.
Monkey Crew Chiefs
Part of the reason why MotoGP is such a snooze these days is that the crew chiefs are just too good. The winner’s bike is usually damn near perfect, so all the chump has to do is cruise around preserving his tyres. Monkey crew chiefs would make bike set-up hilariously random, letting the talent of the best riders shine through.
Verdict
Should be tried on one of the satellite Ducati teams with immediate effect.
Conclusion
There are far too few monkeys involved in MotoGP. Until the major technical rule update in 2027, monkeys should be introduced into all roles in order to improve the entertainment value. Dorna’s new Yank marketing bloke should get right on it.