We can exclusively reveal that the factory KTM team will be using their long-awaited cardboard chassis in the opening round of the 2024 MotoGP series in Qatar.
A New Development
Traditionally, motorcycle chassis were make of steel. Advances in technology led first to aluminium and then to carbon fibre frames. KTM are leading the way in the next step: cardboard construction.
A senior KTM source, speaking to us from his wheelchair under the strict condition of anonymity, explained the reason for the Austrian marque’s new development.
Some know-it-all on the internet has been mocking us for our inability to win dry races, just because our MotoGP team only wins in crazy wet races that are a total lottery. But now we can prove this disreputable loudmouth wrong. Our new [cardboard] chassis cannot possibly win in the wet as it will get all soggy and fall apart. Logically this means that our bike is fully optimized for dry running.*
*[Quote from secret KTM insider completely fabricated to increase word count]
Setup struggles?
Paddock rumours have it that the new [cardboard] chassis is tricky to set up, and that the KTM riders have struggled to get the hang of the bike in pre-season testing.
We asked Jack Miller about these issues, and the Aussie had this to say:
The new [cardboard] chassis has entombed us in a labyrinth of potential aerodynamic configurations, bereft of cartographical assistance. From a spiritual perspective, I float adrift in a Kafkaesque maelstrom of existential zugzwang.*
*[Jack Miller quote lightly edited to fit word count]
Internal tensions at KTM?
There have been rumours among journalists that KTM have been clamping down on the reporting of these technical problems. At the Qatar test, one of KTM’s PR team was seen chasing an elderly journalist down pitlane, brutally pelting him with cans of sickly, bubblegum-tasting Red Donkey energy drink.
When we asked KTM to explain this incident, one of their PR moppets sent us this statement:
KTM’s PR team put a great deal of effort into [fabricating] quotes from our [monosyllabic] riders that faithfully reflect [company propaganda]. In addition, we also spend countless hours [browbeating] our [bored and surly] riders to assist them in [spouting inane corporate drivel] and [telling lies] to the media.
We were therefore appalled to see that a [rambling] quote from one of our [barely coherent] riders had been [accurately summarized] by [some lowly peon] of the press, and took appropriate action.*
*[Quote from KTM’s PR moppet lightly edited to remove ambiguity in original text.]
Summary
It is an exciting time for MotoGP technology. In a few years this new [cardboard] chassis technology will surely trickle down to consumer bikes.