Ex-racer James Toseland is a top-class example that you don’t need a personality to be a racer. Throughout his mostly forgettable career the British rider will probably only be remembered for the time he ran himself over at the start of the British GP in 2007.
But that’s not where the Yorkshireman’s skill in turning things that seem interesting into something dull ends!
After quitting racing James went on to prove that he could also make being a rock star bland and dryer than week old knee scab. Who would have thought that someone playing classic piano in front of a band of well-paid yet uninterested session musicians would be anything other than excruciatingly nondescript?
Pseudo rock star is one thing, however when it comes to plum jobs then the role of ‘commentator’ is at the very top. Imagine being taken away every weekend and paid to attend and watch motorcycle racing? And then just talk about it? It’s literally the dream of every racing fan who is also blessed with an annoying family life.
Of course that would be a great job…but surely you need credentials?
No! Toseland proves you don’t need masses of knowledge or a strong personality to land this dream job! And what better way to start the new year than the best career change ever?
So it’s time to rewrite your CV and brush up on some skills as we give you the key points of being the next JT commentator…
Continuously get stuff wrong
To be a classic Toseland commentator you need to get a lot of stuff wrong continuously. James makes more errors in a single race than the DNA string of a child in Hiroshima.
‘Short term prediction errors’ are JT’s speciality. Examples:
- “There’s no way he’ll get that stopped” – only for him to get it stopped.
- “He’ll use the power of the Ducati to easily get passed” – only for him not to get passed
- “He’s looking really solid” – only for him to fall off
Say ‘Razgatlıoğlu’ really awkwardly
Toprak Razgatlıoğlu, unlike Bradley Smith, has got a very stupid surname that’s hard to pronounce. Because of this Toseland clearly spent an off-season practicing how to say it…and is obviously proud.
The problem is that it sounds very odd the way he says it and, because he thinks he can say it, he uses Toprak’s full name continuously.
Make funny noises
Likened to the sound of the finale of an ‘adult cuddle’ or the release of a problematic brown trout Toseland loves to let out impressive groans when something (usually Toprak) impresses him.
Sadly most of these noises are akin to vocal chants heard on African safari and not really helpful on none-wildlife commentaries.
Say “look at…” all the time
When not making horrendous blunders ‘Good old James’ likes to tell us to ‘look at’ stuff throughout the race. E.g. “Look at the way he’s going around the corner”, “look at his speed”, “look at this…”, “look at that…”
What most other commentators do is to inform the viewers of the stuff we at home can’t see. What viewers probably don’t need is someone telling us to look at things on the screen that we’re already looking at.
Ask the dullest questions on the grid walk
Grid walks are the absolute pinnacle of any commentator’s role – being allowed onto the track before the race and speak to any rider amongst the glitz and glamour is the stuff of dreams.
Luckily JT can yank it back to the land of the dreary by wandering up and down, talking drivel and asking the most mundane questions imaginable. It’s fair to predict that an egg with a hat would be able to say something more stimulating.
So there you have it. Using these tips above you too could land a role as a top commentator. But one word of warning: Never admit that the job is awesome – instead insist on telling everyone how hard and demanding it is to be flown away every other weekend to watch motorcycle racing free of charge.