Is Zarco one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Are we in the end of days? Let’s examine the evidence.
There are few constants in MotoGP. Firstly, Johann Zarco will never, ever win a MotoGP race. Secondly… ummm… Well, there are probably a few more, but the only one that everybody knows, understands and fully accepts is that Johann Zarco will never, ever, ever win a MotoGP race.
So what happened?
Johann Zarco won a MotoGP race.
Wait, what???
Seriously, moody French rider Johann Zarco won an actual MotoGP race. And not just any old race. He won at Phillip Mother-Loving Island. The best racetrack in the world. In the dry. In a hugely exciting multi-way battle that was always going to be won fair and square by the best man on the day.
Did he miscount the laps and run out of time to bottle it?
Almost certainly, but the fact remains that Johann Zarco won a MotoGP race.
Stop saying that! It’s freaking me out!
OK.
Are there any other signs that the world as we know it is coming to an end?
For starters, the first Horseman of the Apocalypse is said to ride a white horse and bring pestilence, in other words a great plague. Zarco rides a white motorcycle with purple and red sponsorship decals. This is basically the modern version of a white horse, except that instead of crapping on the streets it craps on any nearby Yamahas.
But what about the plague?
A plague of Ducatis is ravaging the timesheets. The number of Ducatis currently competing in MotoGP is believed to be around 12 to 15.
[Methodology: take Frankie Morbidelli’s finishing position, which we can safely consider to be last place. Now subtract Quartararararo and Binder, who will have beaten him. Then subtract Jack Miller, Raul Fernandez, Marc Marquez and everyone else on a Honda (who all will have crashed), Miguel Oliveira (who will have been rammed by somebody or other) and both factory Aprilia riders (who will have DNF’d for some insane reason which changes from round to round). Logically everyone else who finishes ahead of Frankie must be on a Ducati.]
So far, so terrifying. What’s next?
The rise of the Antichrist.
You mean Marc Marquez?
Obviously. Many horror movies feature a great evil being somehow released from Hell or some equivalent dimension. For example, in Hellraiser, Pinhead is released from Hell when somebody solves a puzzle box. In this case, Marc Marquez has been released from the eternal damnation of riding a Honda and next year will terrorize the normals on a Gresini Ducati.
Yikes! Any other releasing of evil?
Indeed. Italian underwear model Andrea Iannone will be released into the human world after serving his 4 year doping ban. (He wasn’t really cheating, just trying to look super-ripped while pouting in his boxer shorts on Instagram). This like when General Zod and his 2 henchpersons are released from a flying space-window in Superman 2. Iannone is crazier than General Zod, prettier than the evil chick and stupider than the one with the beard.
Eeeeek! What else can we expect?
General insanity and the world going to hell in a handcart.
Will we see World War Three?
Nah, we’re just gonna do World War One again.
Well, I’m convinced. We’re all doomed. DOOOOOOMED!!!!
Agreed.