The shock news, that shocked no one, last week was that the Spanish Antichrist Marc Marquez was slinging his donkey meat out of the Repsol Honda ring and heading off to ride a second-hand Ducati. This left a bigger void in the HRC team than the one in Bradley Smith’s trophy cabinet.
But now that the dust has settled and the ajillo set we’re left wondering – who will ride the hideous creation known in folklore as the Repsol Honda?
Let’s run through the unfortunate list of nominees.
Miguel Oliveira
As well as being the most unpredictable rider on the track Miguel the Random Number Generator (MRNG) this season has also proven to be the unluckiest. If there’s a flying bike then it will hit him. If there’s a freak illness he’ll catch it. And if there’s a seat next to the woke oaf Sebastian Piffleton then he’ll be assigned it.
However no amount of previous bad luck would be as stinking as somehow finding himself on the factory Honda next year. Even with all the grace of God and a stint of sensible riding there’s still the distinct possibility any rider is going to crash and end up in A&E. So, the luckless Oliveira has no chance.
Will the move happen?
Oliveira’s only hope is that he’s currently got a contract with Aprilia. The Portuguese rider just needs to hope that the contract is as watertight as the one allowing him to marry his sister.
Rating: 🚑🚑🚑🚑
Johann Zarco
After several seasons on the Primark Ducati the nearly man of the grid (nearly a race winner & nearly likeable) was asked to make way for the potential of a younger and more talented rider…sadly that all backfired when Morbidelli was hired.
Seeking pastures new Zarco headed to LCR Honda to set up camp. And what better way to end his career, literally, than riding the vertebrae chipping Honda horror show? However this all happened before Marquez left Repsol Honda.
With a gap in their team the evil lawnmower manufacturers see the promotion of Zarco to their official factory team a logical move. It would work well for Johann too – it’s still a Honda so he’s still going to end up on crutches but at least he’ll be getting paid more as a factory rider. Furthermore he’ll be able to tap into all of Joan Mir’s data and use that as a basis of not what to do.
Will the move happen?
So it’s a goer then? Not really. LCR Honda principle Lucio Cecchinello is adamant that Zarco is contractually obliged to ride for his team. And what can Honda do about this? It’s not like they can threaten LCR with supplying ‘a worse spec bike’.
Rating: 🚑🚑🚑
Maverick Vinales
You know a situation is bad when a team starts courting the bi-polar Spaniard Maverick Vinales. Sure the Aprilia rider is very fast. But he’s also a mentally delicate flower that can explode in a ball of RPM spinning madness if things go awry. He also has an annoying father.
But Honda are desperate. They’d love another Spaniard in the team as it makes the paperwork easier when filling out the medical expenses.
Will the move happen?
The downside for Honda is that currently Vinales rides for the factory Aprilia. And, as unbelievable as this would have sounded five years ago, the Aprilia is an infinitely better bike than the Honda. Top Gun may have a few lose wires upstairs but not even he would consider this a worthwhile career path.
Rating: 🚑
Random Japanese test rider
Honda has hundreds, if not thousands, of local test chimp riders who are ordered to test the RC213V by blasting around the outskirts of the evil HRC factory on the access roads. Most lose control and crash face first into heavy machinery and end up ‘noodle-bound’ for the rest of their lives…whereas the others aren’t even that lucky.
However like the MotoGP version of Squid Games a small few do survive the ordeal and these end up being Honda’s senior test riders. This used to work. But recently the pure-evil contained within Honda’s MotoGP machine has left fewer and fewer physically able test riders…which, in a vicious circle that really is vicious, less development to fix the mess.
So what does this all mean? Not a lot really. As the old oriental saying goes “there are plenty more beansprouts in the wok”. And any one of Honda’s vintage (i.e. reached puberty) test riders could be forced to fall on his sword by falling in the gravel on the Repsol Honda.
Will the move happen?
The main problem with all the Japanese test riders is that they’re not very good unless they’re in Japan. And with Takaaki Nakagami already signed up for 2024 do Honda really want another useless token Japanese rider?
Rating: 🚑🚑
Iker Lecuona
After many nights of tireless research, we have unearthed the fact that Iker Lecuona is actually a real person. And, bizarrely, an actual motorcycle racer!
According to Wikipedia Iker (or whatever his name is) rode for 2 seasons in MotoGP around the Coronavirus era…but because we’ve blanked that timeframe out of our minds (along with the time Randy Mamola performed in his underpants) we’re not sure if that actually happened.
But it seems this season Lecuona (or whatever his name is) has been riding the factory Honda bike in World Superbikes. Because of this HRC knew he’d already have a comprehensive understanding of how painful it is to ride an awful factory Honda machine. Indeed he’s even ridden the MotoGP bike this season filling in for the multitude of injured riders. Sadly because he was on a Honda we can’t actually remember this happening either.
Will the move happen?
Probably. Not sure we’ll notice though.
Rating: 🚑🚑🚑🚑🚑