As part of our ‘laugh at Honda week’ we examine if the 2023 HRC bike is the most evil thing ever as we pitch it against three very strong rivals.
Contenders
Honda RC213V
Simply put the 2023 Honda RC213V is the most evil bike since the four-stroke era. We’re not at half season yet it’s already hospitalised three out of its four riders leaving a brown-stained path of bone breakage and concussion in its wake.
Hitler
Evil dictator or misunderstood – the jury’s out but Adolf certainly caused a lot of misery in the early 1940’s.
Windows Vista
Back in the 90’s Windows XP transformed a lot of inexperienced PC users into believing that working with computers could be a relatively straightforward and often enjoyable experience.
Microsoft, however, decided that was the wrong path and gave us Windows Vista. By including pointless animations and ‘always-on’ screen widgets Windows Vista turned PCs that worked fine into beige paperweights as they struggled to perform even the most basic tasks without grinding to a halt.
Phaal curry
‘Food keeps you alive but the phaal tries to kill you’. It’s a juxtaposition that’s ultimately ignored by many Brits at the end of an alcohol fuelled night in a curry house. “Let’s order the hottest thing on the menu”. What starts out as a laugh soon ends in excruciating pain and anal bleeding…yet is so addictive the poor victims can’t stop eating their way to an early grave.
With the contenders all sorted it’s time to find out which of the horrid foursome is the most evil…
1: Severity of evil damage caused
Honda RC213V
The problem with the RC213V is that it’s very fast and very unpredictable – it’s literally the 2-wheeled version of Maverick Vinales. It’s this devastating combination of speed and unpredictability that’s seen Marc Marquez and Alex Rins break bones and poor Joan Mir take more hits to the head than Rihanna did in 2009.
All three riders have/are having to miss races through their injuries which may cause permanent damage. So full marks.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Hitler
Adolf’s ‘aggressive foreign policy’ certainly caused some upset. However for a so-called World War most of the planet survived without any, or at most minor injuries. So not overly impressive.
⭐⭐
Windows Vista
The introduction of Windows Vista caused the average user to yell furiously at the screen whilst simultaneously beating their keyboard like a tribal warlord. A few unfortunate 486 users ended up throwing their PC and/or monitor out of the window which led to injuries below and instant dismissal.
However, in the scheme of things, the severity was minimal.
⭐
Phaal curry
Consuming a phaal curry has instant repercussions including (but not limited to) loss of taste, heartbeat irregularities, profuse sweating, loss of eyesight, crippling stomach ache and rectum leakage.
However in most cases the victims survive which makes the experience even worse as the problems of the next 24 to 48 hours manifest. It’s a slow and excruciating period likened to giving birth at a Coldplay concert.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
2: Affected people
Honda RC213V
The 2023 Honda currently has already seriously injured three of its four riders. That’s an impressive percentage that can’t be ignored. And it still has half a year left…
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Hitler
With 56 million fatalities Adolf impressively steams back into contention with a great score.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Windows Vista
However full marks go to Windows Vista for managing to cause misery to 330 million users over its disastrous two years – that’s even more depression than Radiohead can manage when releasing a new album.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Phaal curry
Luckily the phaal isn’t often ordered. For obvious reasons. In fact it’s usually only ordered by the alpha-male in the group keen to show his clan his manliness and accompanied by mocking of the others for being girls or Welsh.
⭐⭐
Long term effects
Honda RC213V
Although we’re not yet sure of the long term damage the RC213V has caused it’s fair to predict that Joan Mir’s career is over, he’ll probably have double vision for the next decade and will be forgotten as a world champion and instead remembered as ‘the guy who was even more shit than Jorge Lorenzo on the Repsol Honda’.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Hitler
Once Hitler bottled it and shot himself in the kopf Germany surrendered and world peace was restored. The pragmatic Krauts then realised, with a losing score of 0-2, that world wars probably weren’t their thing. So Herman and the boys agreed to not pipe-up again and instead got on with building excellent and reliable cars.
So in the end – we all won.
⭐
Windows Vista
After two years of Vista Microsoft replaced it with Windows 7 allowing all affected to install their problems to the past.
⭐⭐
Phaal curry
‘Long Phaal’, as it’s known medically, is known to cause testicular shrinkage in males due to the affected person’s mates constantly mocking him for his inability to finish a quarter of the dish and for soiling himself whilst crying in the taxi home.
⭐⭐
Lovable attributes
(Points deducted for positive characteristics)
Honda RC213V
There’s very little to love about the Honda. However a percentage of yellow fans are revelling in HRC’s hideous lump as it’s denying Marquez another championship by firing him at the scenery.
⭐⭐⭐
Hitler
With his geeky hairstyle and comedy moustache Austria’s second worst export showed that he had a comedy side and may have just been a ‘loveable rogue’.
⭐⭐⭐⭐
Windows Vista
None
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Phaal curry
Whilst the victim of the phaal may be suffering from a bowel prolapse it only adds to the enjoyment of everyone else seeing the cockiest member suffer life-changing internal injuries. A great end to a great night for the majority.
⭐⭐
Results
1st: Honda RC213V
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
2nd: Windows Vista
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
3rd: Hitler
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
4th: Phaal curry
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
So it’s official, with a landslide victory, that Honda’s truly awful RC213V is the most evil thing ever.