Johann Zarco is a troubled soul. A delicate fleur-de-lis floating in a turbulent sea of Béarnaise sauce. This means if anything goes wrong (such as hating the KTM) poor Zarco is crying like a Mexican without grated cheese on his food.
With such a weak and somewhat pathetic sense of inner strength Johann often finds his temperament can affect his results. If he accidentally drops his pastry in his coffee or his beret blows off on race weekend then it’s time to pack up and go home as his downward spiralling mood means no points.
Worse still even if Zarco is in good spirits the start of every race causes him to become stressed and upset which negatively affects his performance. It’s only after half distance, when the tears have dried and the bottom lip retracted, that the Frenchman starts to show his true pace. But it’s too late – and this means the Primark rider has yet to win a race…yet racked up more second places than Randy Mamola.
So what Johann really needs is a strong manager to keep his frail emotions in check. And he knows this. The problem is that Zarco, because of his girly emotions, usually ends up in a beef with his manager and fires them.
Indeed by the time you’ve read this article Johann will have had another three different managers.
We at MotoGPNews want to see Johann win a race. We realise he’s French but we’re willing to overlook that. So, to help the Ducati rider, we’ve compiled a list of top French folk who could see him turn his fortunes around and win his first MotoGP race.
Zinedine Zidane
French footballer Zinedine Zidane is only really known for two things – violence in the 2006 World Cup final and pretending he wasn’t balding for three quarters of his career.
Zidane’s antics in the aforementioned World Cup against Italy saw the Frenchman headbutt opponent Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian allegedly remarked that his mother wore a toupee. Materazzi, being both Italian and a footballer, obviously put on the full dramatics rolling around flamboyantly in faux-pain like he’d lost a limb.
Zidane was sent off and told to get an early shower…which was yet another insult given he, like all Frenchmen, is a soap dodger.
So what could Zinedine Zidane give to Zarco…except a worryingly high usage of the letter ‘Z’?
Zidane shocked the French nation by showing fight. A trait lacking with poor Johann who instead likes to ‘let thing settle, like in ‘45’ before making a move. Always, without exception, this means Zarco’s charge to the front is too late despite showing superior speed.
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Alain Prost
As the F1 legend once said “the easiest way to win on track is to win off track first”.
Prost, throughout his long and relatively forgettable career, showed an innate skill to get things done off-track. Whilst other ‘traditional’ drivers were out racing or testing Alain would be creating vastly complex contracts that would ensure him superior equipment, only terrible teammates (see Damon Hill’s career for further details) and first dibs at the buffet.
What could Prost give to Zarco?
The stunted, bent-nosed F1 stalwart could teach Zarco the skills of setting his fountain pen up correctly to improve corner speed and thus allowing him to sign contracts quicker.
These carefully crafted contracts could restrict the other Ducati riders from getting any new parts or passing him into the first corner at San Marino.
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Jean-Michel Jarre
Born in a haystack in Lyon Jean-Michel, like most French children, took up playing the accordion at an early age and would often busk for crepes outside the local patisserie. Despite his obvious talents on the squeezebox his parents couldn’t afford the lessons which forced poor Jean-Michel underground – quite literally as he was made to work in the Paris sewers cleaning up discarded copies of Le Figaro.
It was whilst working in the sewers that Jarre found an abandoned synthesiser – possibly left in haste by a Nazi who was trying to learn to play ‘Deutschlandlied’. It was a discovery that would change the young Frenchie’s life…and his bank account.
What could Jarre give to Zarco?
The current iteration of the Desmosedici has more than 13 thousand random bits of carbon fibre superglued to it along with many miles of cables, switches and levers – a majority of which even the Ducati engineers aren’t sure what they do.
With his unrivalled knowledge of transistors, faders and electronic jiggery-pokery Jean-Michel Jarre would be the ideal person to help Zarco understand the complexities of the Ducati and maybe find a setting that allows him not to be a big pansy in the first half of the race.
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Johann Zarco
Who knows Zarco better than himself? We don’t know the answer – or can be bothered thinking about it. But what we do know is that Johann is a past world champion so will know what it takes for him to start winning again.
What could Zarco give to Zarco?
Without the pressure and distraction of knowing he’ll have to search for a new manager every 20 minutes Zarco may start to relax more and enjoy his racing.
However the problem here is the ‘French Paradox’. That’s that all French people, like the rest of the planet, don’t like French people…so this means they don’t like themselves very much. If you’ve ever visited France then you’d fully understand this issue all too well.
Ultimately this could end up with Johann firing himself meaning he’d have to formally return the work’s laptop to himself which is frankly ludicrous.
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