Facial hair is the most controversial topic in MotoGP right now. Tyres and ECUs are already standardized to equalize performance. Is it time for riders to wear standard facial hair?
Modern MotoGP is incredibly competitive. Especially in the Sprint, where races are so unpredictable that riders have absolutely no idea which of their opponents will put them under the orthopaedic surgeon’s hammer, chisel and power drill this week.
Part of this is down to the equal machinery. Standardized tyres made the racing close, then standardized Engine Control Units made it even closer. But there’s still one thing that could be improved.
Currently, many MotoGP riders have atrocious, straggly facial hair and are a disgrace to their various uniforms. There’s very little doubt that standardized facial hair would give MotoGP the boost that it needs to compete with the soul-destroyingly dull phenomenon that is Formula One, and eclipse the stratospherically punchable bunch of A-holes who drive the cars in that appalling turd of a championship.
But which type of facial hair should all MotoGP riders wear?
Let’s find out:
Handlebar Moustache
It’s a classic for a reason. Because anyone insane enough to wear a ‘tache like this has to be a complete nutter who is almost certainly holding a bottle of hard liquor that they might give you a swig of when you ask nicely.
Mutton Chops
This 19th Century growth will make you feel like designing a 7 foot gauge iron railway bridge.
Horseshoe Moustache
This classic biker mouser usually makes its wearers bloat to 300 pounds in weight, start cooking low-quality methamphetamine and buy a Harley Davidson.
Gigi Beard
Gigi Dall’Igna just does what the hell he wants, then monobrow-beats Dorna and the FIM into meekly writing his deranged, championship-destroying antics into the rule book. Surely it’s time to honour the legendary Italian designer by forcing all riders to grow a beard identical to his?
Pink Hipster Beard
MotoGP needs to get with the times. It can increase its appeal to the whiney snowflake crowd by having all riders mimic the cretinous beard of their favourite Starbucks barista.
Charlie Chaplin Moustache
Charlie Chaplin’s top lip decoration suddenly went out of fashion in late 1939 for unknown reasons. But he was one of the most successful comedians of all time, in addition to his admirable ability to repeatedly marry hot teenagers. Is it time to bring back his style and have all MotoGP riders wear a classic Chaplin ‘tache?
Conclusion
Since all MotoGP riders seem to be spending about 5 months a year in hospital, they have plenty of time to grow moustaches and/or beards. Their current bumfluff efforts are so pathetic that they clearly can’t be trusted to choose their own facial hair, but should they have to wear a standard style? Let us know in the poll below.