Up-and-coming star Enea Bastianini and down-and-going demon Marc Marquez have announced that they’ll both be skipping the extra Monterey Jack this weekend by swapping the land of the free for the house with a sofa.
Why?
Marquez
The now officially ‘less good’ Marquez brother, injured his wrist trying to injure other riders in the opening race in Portugal. The injury was then reportedly compounded by Marc last weekend as he frantically tried to dial Luigi Dall’Igna about the availably of any free bikes in 2024.
Bastianini
Ex-title hope Bastianini was knocked out of the opening sprint race by a falling Luca Marini. Unlike the anti-Christ Marc Marquez Marini avoided any penalty as his crash was deemed ‘a racing incident’…and had nothing to do with having an influential higher-power further up the MotoGP foodchain. (Unlike, say, Joan Mir)
The skittled Enea suffered a broken shoulder blade in the crash but his injury was mostly overlooked in preference of trying to get Marc Marquez publicly flogged.
How?
Marquez
Marc was expected to return for the Americas GP in Austin – a race that traditionally the hazardous Spaniard has always excelled at. However his double long-lap penalty that he was originally told would only apply to the Argentinian race was altered and moved to his next available race thanks to a lot of angry internet goons.
This would effectively rule the hated Spaniard out of victory in the USA – so he decided to stick at home instead and take calcium supplements.
Bastianini
‘The Bastard’, like Marc, was also expected to return to the action and the delicious grilled offal-based meats this weekend in Austin. However earlier in the week the Italian struggled with pain whilst testing a superbike and, unknowing that Marquez had already pulled out, came to the conclusion that staying at home with chewing-chorizo was the safer option.
This also conveniently left Bastianini free to attend the Bob Smith Spring Cup at Oliver’s Mount.
Who’ll be the replacements?
Official MotoGP rules state that teams can only let a rider skive one round through injury before using a substitution – even if the only substitution rider available is Bradley Smith.
Marquez
Marquez will be replaced in Austin by the Testeinkraut Stefan ‘Herman’ Bradl. Bradl is mostly responsible for the development of HRC’s terrible bike so it’s only fair that they punish the Luftwaffe loving German by making him actually ride the bike. Then hopefully he’ll realise the true scale of his misdemeanours and hang his dampfnudel in shame.
Bastianini
The injured Italian will be replaced by Ducati’s downtrodden test rider Michele Pirro. Pirro was legally adopted by Ducati in the summer of 2014 by appointment of Enrico Letta and some guy who starred in a popular bolognaise TV commercial. Since then poor Michele has been forced to test and develop the hideous looking Desmosedici every day of the week whilst living in a shed at Mugello and eating oats.
Luckily for Pirro though this weekend he’s been rewarded with time off to compete in the actual MotoGP event. That said Ducati will still have a full testing schedule to complete at Austin whilst he’s enjoying his well-deserved break.