What movies can we tenuously link to the MotoGP happenings in the non-Falklands-owning country of Argentina? Let’s find out!
The Action
Movie: Total Recall (1990)
Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a regular Joe Sixpack (lightweight!) who goes to get a fake holiday implanted into his brain. (Why didn’t he just get severely drunk and fall asleep on a sunbed until he had UV light poisoning?) His world unravels as he finds out he’s part of a huge conspiracy, has to get his ass to Mars and kills dozens of people in hilariously violent ways (“See you at da paaahrty, Richter!”) The movie ends with him wondering if all of this stuff really happened.
Frankie Morbidelli used to be the coolest guy in MotoGP. Smart and chilled out, with a likeable personality and loads of hair, winning races and battling for the championship. Then he turned into just another random backmarker, plummeting to almost Bradley Smith levels of forgettability, but at least having the decency to mope and moan about sucking so much.
But in Argentina, Frankie suddenly turned back into the kick-ass secret agent who could massacre about a hundred henchmen using only sharp instruments and roughly 25,000 rounds of fully automatic rifle fire.
But was it all just a crazy dream? Like the time Bradders randomly finished on the podium due to an idiotic tyre choice in a wet race? Will Frankie wake up on Sunday at COTA and realize that he’s qualified 17th and finished 15th in the previous day’s Sprint race? (Assuming there are actually 15 riders available by that point…)
The Drama
Movie: Red Dawn (1984)
Patrick Swayze starred in this excellent hit movie where the danged Red Commies invade the USA and lock up or kill all the adults. A bunch of kids disappear into the mountains and fight back for freedom and democracy.
(Considering that Hollywood has produced about 3 half-decent movies in the last 5 years, it makes you want to weep when you realize that the year 1984 gave us Red Dawn, Ghostbusters, Beverly Hills Cop, Gremlins, The Terminator, Once Upon a Time in America, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, This is Spinal Tap and The Karate Kid!!!)
The danged Bolognese Ducatis have taken over MotoGP with their evil wings and squat devices. But in Argentina, the youngsters fought back against the Red factory Ducati team. Kiddywink Marco Bezzzzecchi, freshly hatched from the VR46 Neverland Ranch, was the star of the show and made the evil Red team’s lead rider Pecker Bagnaia look like a useless, flakey, drunk-driving idiot. Also, the younger Marquez brother made a great showing, proving that any young muppet can ride a Ducati these days.
The Horror
Movie: 28 Days Later
Zombies are usually lumbering idiots, but in this movie they’re terrifyingly fast and ferocious.
In Argentina, the Sprint (insert the word “race” as applicable) was as scary as a Moto3 qualifying session. Everybody (except Pecker Bananas) in the Sprint race was super-fast and idiotically aggressive. It was heart in mouth stuff from lights to flag, which makes it all the more impressive that Brad Binder won after qualifying in almost last place (which admittedly ain’t saying much when there’s only about a dozen riders on the grid since the rest are all out injured).
As the survivors of a zombie apocalypse win the booby prize of living in a destroyed society where all the breweries and distilleries are in ruins, Brad Binder won plaudits but sod-all else as the Sprint (race) isn’t a race race so it doesn’t count as a victory.