Demands are growing for a ban on gravel traps after MotoGP star Fabio Digibox was knocked out by a huge boulder during a crash in Portugal. Is it time to move on from kitty litter and choose another way of slowing crashed riders?
Gravel traps were brought in due to Formula One, which means they are inherently evil. The F1 “circus” has now moved on to demanding tarmac runoff areas, which are therefore even more evil. It was always madness to expect motorcycle racers to slow down by tumbling through a field of jagged rocks, but what can replace gravel? We bring you the leading options.
Ball Pits
Pro: Would be a great way to keep the Moto3 kids occupied in between sessions.
Con: They’d probably pee on the balls and start crying.
Rubber Ducks
Pro: Would make wet races hilarious as tens of thousands of rubber ducks started floating all over the place.
Con: With rubber ducks everywhere it would be impossible to tell where the track goes, which would make it very difficult to apply moronic penalties for exceeding track limits.
Beer Cans
Pro: Instead of vaguely hearing a scraping sound in the background when somebody crashed, you’d hear the unmistakeable loud crumpling sound made by hundreds of beer cans, just like my neighbours hear every Wednesday morning when my recycle bin gets emptied.
Con: Would be a tad culturally insensitive in Qatar.
Donuts
Pro: Would be good at absorbing impacts.
Con: Marshals would have to be armed with electric cattle prods to stop Uccio eating the impact protection.
Cacti
Pro: Anyone who crashed would get free acupuncture to help heal their injuries.
Con: The on-track hospital’s budget would rise dramatically due to the enormous number of tweezers required to pick the cactus spines out of riders’ backsides.
Bouncy Castles
Pro: Basically an enjoyable version of air fences.
Con: Would block the view of spectators.
Golf Courses
Pro: Would help racetracks to earn money outside of race weekends.
Con: Injured riders would have to crawl around repairing the divots from their trashed bikes before they were allowed to be stretchered off to an ambulance.
Conclusion
Any of these options would be a vast improvement on gravel. It’s just a matter of Dorna and the FIM getting their act together and choosing one of these methods of slowing crashed riders.