Last weekend’s three day Sepang test was a chance for all the MotoGP teams to evaluate their latest machinery and gain vital knowledge for the season ahead. It’s not a competition and all teams have their own schedules meaning a direct comparison is pointless.
However the off-season is boring and the only other thing we can talk about is how fractionally different the liveries are this year. So, in the style of all the crappy, sensational-seeking journalists out there, let’s forgo common sense and make a MGPN knee-jerk reaction based entirely on these meaningless test results.
Italy dominates – here’s how:
Mooney VR46
You don’t get much more Italian than the most famous Italian since Benito Mussolini running a team of Italian bikes with only Italian riders. If they were any more Italian they’d shit pesto.
On day 1 it was Marco Bezzecchi, a rider famed for being average throughout his career, who proved anyone can pull off an impressive result on the Ducati by topping the timesheets.
On day 3 however it was Bezzecchi’s noodle-armed teammate Luca Marini who stole the show by finishing fastest. This result, along with his steady progress last season, shows that at least one rider from his family can manage not to embarrass themselves on a Ducati.
Ducati
The Italian based pipe-benders are polluting the MotoGP grid like parasites through an Irish potato crop. So it’s no surprise that the scattergun approach would provide some good results – but the Sepang test would prove that the fish rots from the head downwards….or something.
Ducati dominated the top slots setting the fastest lap times and the fastest top speeds on all three days. Proving once again that any idiot can perform well on the Ducati – something we’d love to see tested to the extreme end of the scale with Bradley Smith.
In fact so dominate was Ducati’s machinery that even Alex ‘difficult second album’ Marquez managed a top ten finish on the final day. Crucially though the underachieving Marquez rider outpaced his brother – something that wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by Marc.
Aprilia
Aprilia – the manufacturer no one on earth ever thinks of first when talking about great Italian motorcycles. But is that correct? Aprilia have made great strides in taking the Ducati business model of building overly expensive motorcycles with questionable reliability and made their machines even more expensive and even less reliable.
For a long time in MotoGP Aprilia were the ‘nearly men’ of the sport – that is if ‘nearly’ meant ‘nowhere near’. But that all changed last year when, for reasons currently unknown to us and them, they produced a MotoGP motorcycle that was fast enough to win races…and maybe even the championship if Aleix Espargaro could have read his pitboard.
Such was Aprilia’s testing performance that if not for Ducati Aprilia themselves would have topped the timesheets on each day…albeit there would only be about 6 bikes left.
Aprilia’s stalwart journeyman Aleix Espargaro proved strong over all three days with his bipolar teammate Maverick Viñales being fast on day one, slow on day two, and then fast again on day three.
But the real interest came from Aprilia’s new satellite team – RNF Aprilia. Up until this year Aprilia never had the funds for a second team. But by selling some of their stock to Derbi, who are owned by Aprilia and Gilera, they could pull profits from their parent company Piaggio (who transferred assets from the partially yet fully owned Scarabeo) to buy back their own money for a cheaper price from Moto Guzzi on a loan financed by Vespa who, conveniently, are owned by Piaggio who own Derbi who own Aprilia. All of this meant Aprilia have the funds now for a satellite team whilst ever the taxman struggles to understand all the loopholes.
On day 2 the random Portuguese rider Miguel Oliveira, on the RNF Aprilia, finished 2nd on the time sheets just 0.1 seconds shy of the top time set by one of the million Ducatis.
Even more noticeable was his teammate Raul ‘sour face’ Fernandez who finished the day in a creditable 6th place on a bike completely new to him. This impressive result comes in a stark contrast to his entire 2022 season where Raul’s most noteworthy result was a DNS.
Think you know Italy? Think again! Here’s eight amazing facts about Italy you probably didn’t know.
- Italians famously only eat food beginning with the letter ‘P’. Their two favourites are Pizza (a flour based base usually covered in a tomato sauce and cheese) and pasta (a flour based base usually covered in a tomato sauce and cheese).
- Gnocchi (a flour based base usually covered in a tomato sauce and cheese) is also an Italian favourite. However because it doesn’t start with the letter ‘P’ nearly no Italians know how to spell it so omit it from their shopping list.
- There are over 6 million different types of pasta in Italy with each family having their own unique shape. However should you ever correctly state that essentially they’re all exactly the same and a different shape doesn’t actually make the taste any different then the Italians would be up in arms – literally – they’d wave their arms around and yell and stuff.
- Italian men like to describe themselves as great lovers. However over 100% of all married Italian men still live with their mothers. Many of these still share a nightly ‘special cuddle’ too.
- Up until the mid-90s no one knew the Italian national anthem. This all changed thanks to one cheating German – Michael Schumacher! In the 90’s winter-sports fan Michael joined the Italian Formula One team Ferrari and went on to dominate using a blend of skill and skulduggery. Whilst standing on the top step of the podium (after the Krauten ‘coughs and sneezes’ anthem was begrudgingly performed) the national anthem of Italy would be played for Ferrari. Comical Schumacher would then always, without fail, pretend to orchestrate the song using his fingers. This wasn’t funny the first time and quickly became more irritating than his chin as the race wins piled up.
- The Italian national anthem was originally written as the backing music for a bolognese sauce advert in the late 70s.
- The pope lives in Rome, Italy. The dead ones are also all buried in Rome too – along with their hard disks.
- Italy is the birthplace of the mafia. Furthermore if they are reading this we’d like to state how awesome their organisations is for keeping the peace and controlling contraband logistics.