Are Ducati now Dick Dastardly to Honda’s Muttley? Fears are growing that the Italians have stolen the Japanese manufacturer’s title of most evil MotoGP team. Here is our exclusive investigation.
Methodology
There are various ways to measure evil. The best way is to compare to a known evil reference, like Bill Gates, Big Pharma or Justin Trudeau. As we are comparing MotoGP teams, we will use Max Biaggi as our gold standard.
Analysis
With Ducati clearly hell bent on world domination, it’s time to see if they have stolen the Honda Racing Company’s title and become the most evil MotoGP team. Let’s examine the evidence.
History
Which team has the most evil past in motorcycle racing terms?
Honda: In the past, Honda has thrown at least double the amount of money at their 500GP and MotoGP teams than anyone else. At times their 500cc two-strokes were so evilly fast that people joked about a Honda lane on racetracks where they would casually move out to overtake. However, this is tempered by their stupidity in making a clever but catastrophically bad oval piston 4-stroke. This was a noble cause, as 2-stroke motorcycles are as smelly and smokey as a Frenchman.
Verdict: 4 out of 5 Biaggis 
Ducati: The Italian team are relatively recent members of motorcycle racing’s top class. However, they did dominate World Superbike back when it was run by a bunch of Italians. In those days, Ducati were allowed to take outrageous liberties to let them win all the titles with their inferior, wheelbarrow-chassis V-twin bikes. Not only was this inherently evil, but it also allowed Carl Fogarty to set loads of records that have only recently been eclipsed by Johnny Rea.
Verdict: 5 out of 5 Biaggis
Funding
Which team is funded in the most evil manner?
Honda: The enormous Honda empire is almost entirely based on lawnmower sales. The grasscutting part of the company is used to subsidize its side gigs like providing the cars driven by grandmothers who don’t have the sense to buy a Toyota, and to selling almost 90 million scooters per week to the population of South East Asia. This business plan is pretty mediocre in terms of evil.
Verdict: 2 out of 5 Biaggis
Ducati: The tiny, shed-based Ducati company is owned by Audi. This is the part of the Volkswagen Audi Group devoted to providing smarter-styled but otherwise identical versions of its badly built, expensive and unreliable crapwagons. Volkswagen’s ludicrous cheating on exhaust emissions mean that they are considered to be one of the most evil car builders. This makes it all the more surprising that they don’t seem to have an F1 team (not that I could be bothered checking up in any detail).
Verdict: 5 out of 5 Biaggis
Riders
Which team has the most evil riders?
Honda: The Japanese team has MotoGP’s current antichrist, Marc Marquez (voted for by people wearing luminous yellow hats, T-shirts, watches, wrist bands, trousers, belts, bracelets, necklaces, socks and boxer shorts all adorned with the number 46). The Octochamp seems like a reasonably nice bloke off track. Quite smiley, dog lover, makes sure his talentless brother gets decent bikes. But on track he’s pure evil. Show him a rival and he’ll simply ram them off the track.
Verdict: 5 out of 5 Biaggis
Ducati: The Bolognese Boys are represented by the reigning champion Pecco “Prosecco” Bananas. On track he’s not that evil at all. Occasionally he rams somebody, but mostly if he’s under the slightest pressure he gets scared and falls off. However, off track Pecco is a menace to society, not that Ducati give a rat’s ass. Residents of small Spanish islands are best advised to hide in their chorizo cellars when Pecco is in the area to avoid getting killed by the drunken SUV-driving imbecile.
Verdict: 4 out of 5 Biaggis
Spirit of the Rulebook
Which team has the most dubious understanding of rules?
Honda: The noodle slurping team don’t like breaking the rules, they like changing the rules to their benefit. This has led to both good and evil. The rules of the brilliant 990cc era were heavily influenced by Honda. This led to their incredible V5 bike that dominated the championship until Valentino Rossi switched to Yamaha just to annoy them. However, Honda were also behind the truly evil 800cc rules. Not only did the 800cc era reach almost F1 levels of boredom, it also led to almost Jeremy Renner snowplough levels of injury. However, it has to be said that this was all done legitimately by changing the rule book.
Verdict: 3 out of 5 Biaggis
Ducati: The spaghetti afficionados don’t bother trying to influence the rulebook. They simply write their own rules and dare Dorna to call them out on it. For instance, adding boring F1-style wings and idotic suspension squat devices. This has led to the awesome 1000cc era of MotoGP becoming a tedious, processional joke with no overtaking. It’s the Snoremula One influence which is the most outrageously evil part of it.
Verdict: 5 out of 5 Biaggis
Conclusion
Ducati have clearly become the most evil constructors in MotoGP. They have packed the grid with about 25 bikes. They are dominating the championship and dominating the cowardly rulemakers. And it’s making the racing suck. Meanwhile, Honda are floundering. They can’t write the rule book any more and they already have the most evil rider so there’s no place for them to go. Right now, Honda are Muttley to Ducati’s Dick Dastardly.