Ducati Lenovo Team
Bagnaia confirms our believes in him
“Pecco’s brilliant win today was proof of what we as a team have believed for a long time – we were correct to pretend his drunk driving incident never happened.
Not sure about the other Ducati riders though. Obviously there were no team orders but we told them all that if they finished ahead or rammed off Quartararo they would receive a bonus. So that’s obviously different to team orders.”
Team Gresini Racing MotoGP
Bad luck costs Bastianini a win
“We as a team are very disappointed that bad luck cost Enea winning the race. When he took the lead on lap seven we believed he had the pace to pull away given he was clearly faster than Pecco. But, unluckily for us, just at that time Davide Tardozzi came running over claiming Enea’s bike had a ‘mysterious overheating problem’ that only the factory Ducati team had the data to know about. He even showed us the data on his tablet that to our untrained eyes looked like a recipe for arancini. Davide then told us, with a genuine broken heart, that for safety reasons they would be remotely detuning Enea’s engine which ultimately meant his lap times dropped.
“Tardozzi also told us that the situation was ‘fluid’ and that his team may need to wind-down our bike at certain points in the race – which coincidentally seemed to occur when Enea was trying to overtake for the lead.
“So ultimately we were very lucky to have Ducati on our side to help us so much throughout the race with our issues that we had no clue about. Unfortunately the factory Ducati engineers said they didn’t know the cause of the problem and feel it could easily flair up again at Valencia.”
Monster Energy Yamaha
Morbidelli upsets everyone as Quartararo proves our bike is fine
“We’re not quite sure what Fabio is banging on about. That bike looked pretty good to us – so much so that we’ll probably leave it as is for 2023 – better the devil you know.
“However we would like to apologise to everyone in Malaysia for Franco’s performance. He had no right or permission to attempt to race with the leading group and we understand in doing so upset many of the younger spectators who were confused and scared. In these dangerous and unpredictable times we find ourselves in Franco should have acted more responsibly. Luckily the long lap penalty put him back to where he should have been.”
Team Suzuki MotoGP
Who even cares about this anymore?
“To be honest we don’t even need to churn out any more of these PR-friendly press releases do we? I mean what are the bosses at Suzuki going to do? Fire us all? Personally I’d like to show those beansprout eating cowards good with a few well-timed kicks in their noodle.”
Repsol Honda
Marquez and Espargaro dishonour the brand
“We at Honda have the best bike. We can easily make the best swingarms too – we just chose to let Kalex make one for us as a gift for them”
RNF Racing MotoGP
Coding glitches fixed by Darryn Binder’s ride
“Both RNF Racing Yamaha riders struggled with technical issues throughout the race. This was primarily caused when Cal finished FP2 fastest and the code on our servers went down with a ‘result out of bounds’ error. Obviously we’d never tested for such an outcome – especially as we thought we’d be stuck with Dovi all season. From that point the development team were furiously trying to upload a patch to fix the system – but to no avail.
“Luckily the system rebooted and started working correctly mid-race after Darryn fell off again and the normal working parameters were restored.”
Primark Ducati
Primark Ducati riders show contrasting ways to be losers
“Jorge was stating in the press before the race that he was becoming frustrated at finishing each race just behind the winners. He remedied this by finishing his race 16 laps before the winner crossed the line.
As for Johann – we have no idea what’s going on with that miserable oaf. Let me assure you there were no pain au chocolat’s for his sorry anus after the race.”
KTM
Something started to happen, then it probably happened
“Team KTM have no real idea what happened in the race, as couldn’t we really be bothered watching as were we all trying to beat our best scores on ‘Pit Beirer’s ultimate wheelchair simulator’. So, for argument’s sake, let’s just say something generic like – both riders fought hard but struggled in the early stages but both were optimistic that the bike was heading in the right direction.
“That’ll do. Probably use it for Valencia too.”
Aprilia racing
Sad but predictable end of championship hope for Espargaro
“Aleix entered the weekend grasping the hope that the championship was still alive for him. He left knowing that it wasn’t – which to be fair was seven races after what we thought he’d last.
“Our best season yet.”