Last week we discovered that MotoGP will soon be heading over to the execution capital of the world – Saudi Arabia. And this week, to top that, Dorna have outdone themselves by announcing that next year there will be a race in Kazakhstan. Click Here for full story.
So that got us thinking. Given more cash where can MotoGP go next that’s even more ridiculous?
North Korea
When it comes to putting on a fake show no one does it as good as North Korea. The crackpot run country even has entire fake cities built just to look amazing but with no one actually living there – like an early access beta version. All this to look awesome and hide their troubles.
So if it came to running a MotoGP event we could be certain that Kim Jong-un and his mates would pull out all the stops to provide the greatest phoney spectacle the world has ever seen.
One other great aspect of racing in North Korea would be the slightly exaggerated propaganda news regarding Kim Jong-un’s MotoGP skillset. We could expect stories of him setting the fastest ever lap on a track scooter and pulling the longest wheelie in history whilst simultaneously beating a grand master at chess.
As for reporters – they’d be given free access to all the country…as long as they stayed within the MotoGP complex and were chaperoned at all times. But what if the racing was bad? No problems! North Korea would simply bribe less honourable and self-centred MotoGP journalists into reporting how amazing the action was and how the country has an excellent human rights record and encourages future female MotoGP riders.
The only possible downside would be the fate of the North Korean wild card rider. Clearly this poor soul would be easily beaten by everyone, even maybe Morbidelli, and thus dishonour the country and the Supreme Leader. Expect the wildcard after the race to be blindfolded in a stadium, shot with a tank and his remains pounded into the ground in front of his family – like the Unhasu Orchestra (true story).
Russia
Given Vladi-boy Putin’s recent antics everyone hates Russia. Even the Russians hate Russia and are trying to leave after conveniently deciding that the invasion of Ukraine is a bad thing now that they’re been called up.
So with such negativity the crafty commies really could do with a PR boost to show the world that they’re just ‘misunderstood’. And luckily for Russia they have vast quantities of commodities, like gas and turnips, to help ‘convince’ Dorna that a MotoGP event in the Motherland is a great idea.
Ensuring that any of the riders with ‘western views’ manage a full weekend without been dosed in Novichok may, however, prove a tricky stumbling block. So Dorna would have to procure a guarantee from the trustworthy Kremlin that no such shenanigans would take place and that if they did they’d fess up straight away.
The Arctic Circle
Along with promoting Human Rights and equality Dorna are also keen to help save the planet. MotoE is a fine example – this race series takes place in front of empty grandstands on fully electric, clean-running motorcycles that are charged by dirty diesel generators and transported around the globe in dirty diesel trucks.
Along with MotoE MotoGP will mandate a change to existing fuel regulations to move towards a fully synthetic product from 2027 onwards.
But what about the ice? Easy. The riders will simply use studded tyres. It’s been done before by Ducati and more recently Marc Marquez.
Obvious benefits would include the vast run off areas and excellent visibility – as long as the race was run in the months where there’s light.
The main downsides would be that Fabio Quartararararo would soon suffer frostbite given the way he loves to expose his torso. Also the risk of polar bear attacks would be significantly higher than at other tracks. This would mean providing all MotoGP personnel an electronic deterrent which could just be a recording of Bradley Smith’s voice to distress any aggressive hypercarnivorous mammal into retreat.
Venus
When it comes to nonsensical locations for MotoGP to travel to next then the nearby planet of Venus must be near the top of Dorna’s list.
For a start the Roman goddess of love planet is a real bitch to get to. Dorna would be almost entirely reliant on Elon Musk’s Super, Mega huge, Heavy SpaceX rocket to get the cargo to the planet. Luckily though with Valentino Rossi now having left the sport the need to get Uccio there along with his food rations means many extra launches will be saved.
Once at Venus the problems don’t really stop. For a start the planet is quite hot – around a toastie 475 degrees Celsius. However Dorna could take a leaf out of their own Qatar book and run the event at night when it will be cooler. And the good news is that a day takes longer than a year on Venus so, with a biennial fixture, the entire weekend could be conducted in the cool shade.
The other main stumbling block is the lack of race track on Venus. Again though MotoGP could simply look inwards for answers. Kazakhstan doesn’t yet have a track – mainly because no one in Kazakhstan gives a shit about motorsport. But that didn’t stop Hermann Tilke, the designer of all the most boring racetracks in the known universe, from crafting a brand new soulless and uninspiring circuit there.
Therefore the sensible option would be to send the dullard Hermann to Venus and insure the annoying German perishes there so we never have to see or hear from him again. That alone would be worth the effort.