Winners
Jack Miller
Over the past few weeks poor Jack has had a face like a smashed crab. And with good reason. All the talk in the paddock was how he’d already been replaced by Jorge Martin for 2023 and how he’d be demoted out of the factory team and unceremoniously dumped back into the Primark Ducati team. The rumours were so convincing that Ducati themselves were scratching their arancini and starting to believe them.
But at Le Mans Ducati formally came out with a clear and concise decision on what they’d decided to do – they hadn’t decided. But crucially they also said they would decide by the next race at Mugello in two weeks’ time.
So the French race suddenly became an unofficial race-off between Miller and Martin to see who’d partner Pecco next season.
Miller, who still believes hand towels can come alive, came out firmly on top with a splendid second place finish. Jorge, meanwhile, fell off again making it five crashes in seven races. If mistakes make people stronger then expect the Primark Ducati rider to be lifting universes by Valencia.
But what all this means is the outback Australian now has more than double the score of his gravel-attracted upstart rival so can be the only choice for Ducati.
Jack Miller – again
But wait. What about Bastianini? Surely the race winner would be the logical choice to replace Miller in the factory Ducati team?
In more great news for Miller it seems though Enea Bastianini might be too good to promote. With Bagnaia already signed it has been suggested that ‘The Bastard’ may upset the applecart too much ruining the existing passata-smooth flow of the current team.
So, like a WSBK ruling to punish Kawasaki, it appears that Enea is being penalised for his own success – which is brilliant news for Miller.
Jack Miller – again, again.
In the race Miller, who if you inserted his brain into a bird it would fly backwards, seemingly didn’t have the pace to keep up with the already signed Ducati #1 hero Pecco Bagnaia. But then Bagnaia also didn’t have the pace to keep up with Bagnaia and so he fell off in an untidy bearded heap. The under-educated* Australian stayed up – and by doing so jumped ahead of Bagnaia in the championship standings.
Do Ducati have any other choice than to re-sign the fan’s favourite Miller for at least another year? Surely even they, with their undeniably impressive history of terrible signings, can’t choose any other rider?
Losers
France
The grandstands at Le Mans were packed. France had not seen such a tight concentration of their people trying to barge their way into one spot since they opened the national surrender tents in August 1939. It was amazing to see the grandstands all full of enthusiastic seasoned MotoGP fans who all started following the sport last year once Quartarararo started winning.
The eager, odorous crowd were all cheering on Fabio, and to a lesser extent, Johan Zarco to restore some onion-based pride to their often mocked (but not by us, even if they are a nation of unwashed deserters) country.
Quaratararararo looked like he had race winning pace all weekend. Zarco looked like he had a less-worrisome haircut while ever he had his helmet on. But come race day both Frenchies got held up by faster bikes and neither made the podium let alone the top step.
So ultimately it was tears in the cheese croutons as the sullen fans took someone else’s bicycle and headed home down the champ elysee.
Orange bikes
Honda and KTM are in a rut. A rut deeper than the one in Uccio’s sofa. And if success is required to continue in MotoGP then these two could easily be joining Suzuki unless Dorna can tie them in with a better contract.
- Honda
For 2022 the mighty evil lawnmower firm successfully managed to change their RC213V from a bike that only Marc Marquez could ride. Now they have a bike that no one can ride. Worse still it’s somehow been impregnated with albino-DNA meaning at the first sign of any ambient heat it starts getting stressed and seeking shade and factor 50+.
Anti-Christ multi-world champion Marc Marquez was visibly out of sorts all weekend to such an extent he didn’t even bother to steal a slipstream in qualifying denying thousands of bitter yellow fans taking to the internet to call him a cheat. In the race he finished a forgettable 6th just ahead of the soon to be dumped Takaaki Nakagami.
- KTM
The Austrian firm, meanwhile, have a bike that’s quite good sometimes and absolutely unrideable the rest of the time. Both their factory riders have won races this season yet in France, a country that’s historically easily conquered by anything Austrian, KTM were terrible.
Brad Binder was their only finisher in 8th place – over 18 seconds off the winner’s time. All the other riders fell off – maybe as a means to get off the bike quicker.
Suzuki
It’s been a rubbish few weeks for the Suzuki MotoGP team. Having been told via Microsoft Teams that they’d all be out of a job at the end of the year they came to Le Mans wanting a great result to boost their spirits. They left more miserable than the ending of a typical upbeat French art film.
What happened?
Mir, who doesn’t crash, crashed. Rins, who used to crash but now doesn’t crash, also crashed. Even Suzuki’s fresh install of Windows 11 crashed.
The only positive was that the team could pack away early giving all the employees extra time to upload their latest CV to the job sites and to anonymously email the management at Suzuki explaining how they hope their noodle becomes infested with Dutch Elm’s disease.
Aleix Espargaro
What the elder Asparagus brother is doing on the Aprilia is nothing short of sensational. The Spaniard is the single difference between the team being a title contender and being an also ran in 12th place.
Aleix notched up yet another podium in France whilst his teammate could only manage 10th. Everyone believes Espargaro is Aprilia’s astonishing secret weapon. Everyone but Aprilia that is.
It’s contract time and Aleix’s contract with Aprilia still isn’t done. The Spaniard is allegedly asking for a 30% payrise…mainly to cover the cost of his Putin-inflated heating bill at home. Is he worth a 30% payrise? Yes. Is he worth a 100% payrise – probably yes. Any team would have to fork out millions to make the gains to their bike that their number one rider is already giving them.
Instead Aprilia are pissing about. Their first offer to Aleix earlier in the year was apparently an insult that he had to refuse. Since then the Spaniard has just been left hanging about not knowing what’s going on. Should Aprilia lose him then they’d instantly trump any and all of Ducati’s terrible rider decisions – and that would probably be the only thing they’d win for the next decade.
* Or ‘sufficiently educated’ by Australian standards.