Winners
Enea Bastianini
Remember when Enea ‘the bastard’ Bastianini won the opening race in Qatar? After that a whole host of wannabe knee-jerk journalists jumped on their keyboard declaring that Bastianini was the real deal and that they were the first to discover this.
The following two races were not so good scoring as the Italian could only manage an 11th and 10th place. Obviously the moronic journalists quickly retracted and deleted their previous statements insisting that Bastianini was a one-hit-wonder who fluked a win on an exceptional track and that it was in fact Aleix Espargaro who was their tip for the championship…and had been from the start of the season.
Well Bastianini is the real deal. His slightly anxious rivals were all keen to state that Enea was ‘the favourite’ before the race in a desperate hope that he’d ‘do a Cameron’ and crumble under the extra pressure. But it was not to be as The Bastard of MotoGP was cool, calm and…whatever the other word is beginning with ‘c’ as he methodically outrode and outwitted his rivals.
The straightline speed of his vintage Duke couple with his excellent tyre conservation skills meant that Bastianini was simply too good for the rest of the field and won in the end comfortably.
His victory elevates him back to the top of the championship standings – cue all those wannabe journalists once again to claim they knew he was the real deal whilst furiously linking to their undeleted article stating this.
Alex Rins
Last season Rins’ loveable curly hair and comical expression were rudely replaced by a close-trim and gravel in his ear. The problem was Alex couldn’t stop crashing. The more he crashed the more risks he took in the next race to make up for the last crash meaning he’d crash even more. He even managed to crash and injure himself cycling around the track.
Suzuki were less amused with Rins’ antics than being at an evening with Michael McIntyre.
So 2022 is a crunch year for the Spaniard. With his contract expiring it would need a massive u-turn in results by the lovable Spaniard (so not Mir then) if he’d any hope of staying in MotoGP – let alone with Suzuki.
But maybe the pressure of knowing he’s probably going has helped? His second place finish has moved him into second in the championship. Furthermore he’s now beaten his once-likeable teammate and ex-World Champion Joan Mir in three out of the four races.
Ducati
Ducati have never won at the Circuit of Americas. Not because their bike doesn’t suit the track…but mainly because of Marc Marquez. (There was that one time Marc fell off (pre-crumble days) whilst leading but Ducati were actually rubbish that day)
2022 was the year of their success! The Italian shapeshifting, ugly-ass bikes polluted all the front spots of the grid like Scottish folk around the ‘reduced to clear’ supermarket section. The other manufacturers had no real answer to the outstanding top speed of the Ducati – especially Yamaha.
The end result saw two Ducati bikes on the podium and five in the top ten positions. A great result.
Fabio Quartarararo
The Yamaha is slow. And on this track it showed up like a gravy stain on a linen shirt. All the other Yamaha riders were rooted to the back like a group of hideous Bradley/Mazepin hybrids.
Fabio, however, managed a respectable 7th – 23 seconds ahead of the next Yamaha. The world champion may not be winning but he is being noticed by all the other teams…
Losers
VR46 Academy
For many years now Valentino Rossi has been running his VR46 Riders Academy at his Neverland Ranch. The aim of the Academy is to find some young, local, attractive riders and teach them how to become top-class MotoGP riders.
On show in the USA in MotoGP were the currently absolute cream-of-the-crop – Bagnaia, Morbidelli and Marini all on factory spec bikes. But this cream tasted funny and caused cramps.
Bagnaia’s been poor so far this season. Morbidelli’s been even worse. Meanwhile nepro-Marini has shown some good qualifying pace but come race day he’s suffering with his half-brother’s Ducati skillset.
To make matters worse the Italian Enea Bastianini is the new MotoGP wonderkid – a rider who shunned the academy as he thought it was ‘a bit creepy’ and hated Uccio.
So for now it sadly appears that the VR46 Academy management may have possibly have concentrated on the ‘who can drink the most wine’ sleep-over parties too much and less on the ‘riding really fast’ aspect.
Jack Miller
‘The Thriller’ (so called because of the time he was thrilled to score an A on his blood test) was under a lot of pressure leading up to this race. His results so far have been weak and there had been lots of rumours circulating that Enea Bastianini or Jorge Martin would be replacing him…rumours conveniently started by the managers of Enea Bastianini and Jorge Martin.
Common sense would dictate that it should be Francesco Bagnaia who’s job was on the rocks given his woeful start to the season. But miserably for Miller Ducati hastily signed Bagnaia for several more years before the season had even started after hearing all the speculation that the Italian was the title favourite…speculation conveniently started by Francesco’s manager. So it’s the unfortunate uneducated Australian that’s ended up in the firing line.
What Jack needed, other than Provigil, was a decent result in America to silence the critics and possibly stop Ducati from showing him la porta for a few weeks. And he did just that. A front row start and a strong podium finish was just what the flying doctor ordered.
But there was a snag. A big greyie-bluey-purpley snag. Jack may have finished in an impressive third but winning the race and now leading the championship was Enea Bastianini on the older spec Ducati. The last thing Jack needed.
It’s suggested that Ducati are very keen to keep Enea and will offer him a factory ride (possibly at the expensive of Miller) to ensure that…a suggestion once again started by Bastianini’s manager.
Marc Marquez
We can’t decide what’s worse. Losing a race because you’re not fast enough or losing a race but knowing you were.
After endless dizzy spells, shoulder injuries and peeper-problems Marc returned to his favourite track stating he wanted to build his confidence. And in that respect he probably did. The decent Marquez brother was almost certainly the fastest rider in the race finishing in 6th place after being dead last into the first corner.
But what happened? Why did Marc set off slower than an asthmatic slug? Honda claimed it was a ‘technical problem’…which basically covers everything in the known universe. Rumour has it that Marc’s spent so long skiving work and playing MotoGP on his PS5 using his controller that when the lights went out he forgot his controls and pressed the green button* on his handlebars to accelerate instead of twisting the throttle.
Whatever the reason Marc’s aggressive fightback through the field was mesmerising. And probably utterly depressing for Marc given his pace.
Aleix Espargaro
Last week he was a hero and a championship contender. This week he’s been demoted to ‘some average old guy who fluked a win’.
We still have faith in him though.
KTM
To say KTM were leading the constructors championship coming into this race you’d never believe it. Brad Binder was their top rider way back in 12th place.
Alex Marquez
All the crashing ability of his older brother yet none of his speed. Could be his last season in MotoGP.
* The green button is primarily used to warn the team that Alberto Puig’s hair weave is becoming unpredictable and upsetting the aerodynamics down the start/finish straight.