A few years back, MotoGP was dominated by aliens who won everything. Now most races are won by a Frenchman and a collection of other random riders. What happened to our alien overlords?
What is an alien?
The term was coined by Marco Melandri, who we thought was pretty random at the time. Now we realize that he was like a metronome compared to Maverick Vinales. Melandri was a pretty decent rider himself, as a world champ in 250GP and winner of 5 MotoGP races. But he just couldn’t understand how Valentino Rossi, Casey Stoner, Jorge Lorenzo and Dani Pedrosa could ride so insanely fast and win nearly all of the races between them. He announced that they must be aliens as no human being could perform like that. Marc Marquez would later show up and join the list of riders with alien status.
Where are they now?
MotoGP is no longer dominated by a handful of usual suspects. The winner of each race seems to be nearly as random as Melandri himself. So what happened to these extra-terrestrials? Let’s have a look through the list to see where they are now and which TV and movie aliens they most resemble.
Valentino Rossi #46
Most similar alien: Xenomorph from Alien (1979)
The Xenomorph from Alien was tall and gangly, just like Valentino. It was 7 feet tall, but as it was up against 6 footer Sigourney Weaver, this is equivalent to Rossi’s 5’10” compared to the average MotoGP rider. Like the Xenomorph, Valentino terrorized the MotoGP paddock until Marc Marquez came along and blew him out of the damn airlock.
Where is he now?
Still in MotoGP, in body if not in spirit. Will almost certainly quit and become team boss of his own Ducati squad for 2022. Hopefully he hires good riders, as they’ll be his only hope of standing on the podium from now on.
Casey Stoner #27
Most similar alien: The Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation
Like the Borg from Star Trek: TNG, Casey always refers to himself in the 3rd person plural, that is, “we”. This was reasonable when he talked about the team finding a set-up, but was always amusing when “we” fell off “our” bike and crashed it. When Casey was on form, resistance was always futile as he preferred to win from the front in the most boring way possible.
Where is he now?
Retired to Australia. Says he is battling a fatigue syndrome that means if he gets up early in the morning then he is exhausted by the afternoon. Sounds completely normal to me, especially if there’s a liquid lunch involved. On the plus side, if he never has the energy to leave the house, he won’t mind Australia turning into 1970s East Germany where you’re not allowed to leave anyway.
Dani Pedrosa #26
Most similar alien: The Andromeda Strain (1971)
The aliens that threaten to wipe out humanity in the classic 1971 movie The Andromeda Strain are unusual in that they are a microscopic organism. This makes them the closest aliens to tiny Spanish hero Dani Pedrosa. However, there is the difference that the Andromeda Strain aliens survived unscathed when the micrometeorite that they were travelling on crashed into a satellite at high speed. The injury-prone Pedrosa would’ve at least popped a collar bone in that situation.
Where is he now?
KTM test rider and occasional wildcard. After Honda chased him out the door with a fly swatter, Dani headed over to KTM. The Austrian factory’s brilliant team boss Pit Beirer immediately realized that this was someone he could see eye to eye with, unlike the other riders. Pedrosa was signed up as test rider, leading to KTM getting better and better while Honda tumble down the order.
Jorge Lorenzo #99
Most similar alien: Aliens from Independence Day (1996)
Like Jorge, the Aliens from Independence Day are very tough, very hard to beat and nobody wants to get stuck in a lift with them. They also hijack Earth’s communication systems in much the same way that Jorge has hijacked the internet to spread his moaning and bad-mouthing of various rivals.
Where is he now?
Cyberspace. Or to be more specific, sitting in his Swiss mansion slagging off Jack Miller on social media.
Marc Marquez #93
Most similar alien: Martians from Mars Attacks! (1996)
The smiling, ever-friendly Marquez always seems like the nicest guy on Earth, until he jumps on a bike and starts ricocheting off his rivals on track. The Martians from Mars Attacks claim to come in peace, even as they are blasting everyone with their ray guns. They also manage to convince the government to give them the benefit of the doubt, only to start another massacre. Marquez uses this same trick to avoid being penalized for dangerous riding.
Where is he now?
Still in MotoGP, but can’t win on tracks that feature more than 3 right-hand corners. With his arm mangled by a big crash, some dodgy surgery and various complications, it’s not clear whether Marc will ever rediscover his flying saucer.
The Future
It’ll be a long time before we see another group of aliens like the ones we have discussed in this article. However, there might be an alien in the making this season. Fabio Quartarararo has been outstanding this year (except in the race where his arms both fell off). He might just be the next alien to threaten humanity.