As the undisputed King of Assen I felt it only fair that I cast my views on what went on in the MotoGP race last weekend.
I always loved riding in Holland as the fans would come from all over the world just to marvel at my throttle control, lean angles and well above-average looks. I remember one time when this old Dutch man who had ridden his pushbike from his windmill came to see me and ask me for some riding tips. I was only too happy to explain everything he was doing wrong and that evening he set a PB on his ride home.
I guess I’ve always been associated with giving constructive advice and can’t help but think if I’d have been able to talk to Michael Schumacher I could have made his career a little less mundane.
Assen is often regarded as the Cathedral of bike racing where club level riders such as Chris Walker and that guy who presents Catchphrase would make an annual pilgrimage to pay homage to best riders in the world. Clearly during my Lilypad days that would just be me. And still is.
I was always proud of my perfect winning record at Assen and although the record books say I was once beaten into second place by Frankie Chilli I have it on good authority from a man I met at the Moto Service station on the M6 that he probably cheated using traction control or something. Anyway it’s a solid theory that I emailed to Neil Tuxworth and whilst he didn’t reply I think the fact that he didn’t deny it either is evidence that I was the true race winner that day.
So how do you race a track like Assen? Well much like any track simply follow Neil Hodgson on one of his “hot” laps and then increase your pace by about 30% to get yourself a base setting.
Fabio Quartararo
As the King of Assen I’ve seen lots of people have likened Fabio’s easy win last weekend to how I would have won. Sure enough I would have won the race effortlessly but then I would also have claimed the double. Sadly Fabio only managed one single win – which at best makes him only half as good as me. I also have a more progressive haircut.
Maverick Vinales
The problem that Maverick has is he can’t keep a steady form. One race he’s winning in the style of me the next he’s struggling near the back ala Doohan.
It will probably come as a surprise to you to learn that I also had a dip in form. In my case it was one race that I didn’t lap Neil Hodgson. That said I was still on my way to a famous double win at Brands in front of a sell-out crowd who were all there cheering for me and only me.
Also I’ve heard that Vinales was named after a character in the film Top Gun. In my case film characters are named after me.
Valentino Rossi
Now it’s a well known fact that Rossi had a poster of me on his wall when he was growing up. Most riders do to be honest. That said I remember that Troy Corser had to get his mother to take down the poster of me on my 916 as it was giving him recurring night terrors – he replaced the poster with a picture of the Care Bears I believe.
Personally I think Rossi should take a pond leaf out of my book and retire gracefully given his recent results and his woeful race at Assen. Obviously I retired whilst still at the top. I also note that Rossi once again wants to follow my footsteps and become a successful team owner. I think he has a long way to go before he’s built a team and bike like what I did.
Motocross
Finally I’ve seen a lot of MotoGP riders training by riding motocross. I’ve never really understood why riders do that as clearly they’re still at a very ordinary level on the track. It would be a top footballer (such as myself) practicing his penalty kicks by going to play golf. I think it’s just a way for this Instatwitter generation to gather more clicks.
Oh and I’ve just had Mrs Frog check my stats and that one time I told you about earlier when I didn’t lap Neil? I was wrong. I lapped him twice. One of those was on the warm-up lap too.