We at MPGN aren’t real journalists. We just copy and paste the team’s official press releases and compile them. This allows us to pretend we’re knowledgeable. We’re also really smart in hindsight.
Yamaha
Fabio Quartararo (1st)
Via Rossi Fanclub
“Quartararo was only successful because the Vale, the Greatest GOAT of All Time, developed the handling of the factory bike so it was so perfect. Vinales was in charge of top speed – hence why it’s not very good”
Maverick Viñales (5th)
“Remember last week when every wannabe journalist thought I was the top man at Yamaha?”
Franco Morbidelli (12th)
“For some reason the launch control was again stuck down with a dayglow sticker of a dog. How did that ever happen?”
Valentino Rossi (16th)
Via Rossi Fanclub
“We’re now selling ‘Rossi: Sunday Man’ t-shirts in the 90% off sale”
Ducati
Johann Zarco (2nd)
“I am very happy today. I almost feel like smiling. Hearing the French national anthem, not for me, brought a croissant to my eye”
Jorge Martin (3rd)
Via Jorge Lorenzo
“Not the best finish on a Ducati by a rider called Jorge. Now please head over to my YouTube channel where I bitch about all the riders that I don’t like in a desperate attempt to stay relevant”
Francesco Bagnaia (6th)
“I thought the none-factory bikes were supposed to be slower?”
Jack Miller (9th)
“Trying to elbow Mir off the track gave me arm pump…which wasn’t helped by me waving my fist at the screen whilst watching ‘Married at First Sight’ the night before”
Luca Marini (18th)
“Clearly my team don’t know who my brother is and didn’t deliver me a faster bike. And where were the special Michelins?”
Suzuki
Joan Mir (7th)
“I’m very stressed as Miller’s manoeuvre today was dangerous and intentional…and it has nothing to do with the fact I’ve just heard Marc Marquez is coming back for the next race.”
KTM
Brad Binder (8th)
“Having had trouble with the soft tyre all weekend we decided to use the medium in the race. This was a complete shot in the dark to paraphrase my old buddy Pistorius”
Miguel Oliveira (15th)
“My sister was not happy with this result. No love-heart emojis from her at all after the race”
Danilo Petrucci (19th)
“Today we struggled with the ride height of the bike as for some reason the belly-pan kept scraping on the track. In other unrelated news all these Austrian pastries are absolutely delicious – I can’t stop eating them”
Iker Lecuona (DNF)
Via MotoGPNews
“We have no idea who this is or why he/she didn’t finish”
Aprilia
Aleix Espargaro (10th)
“Being this far up the order gave me a nosebleed.”
Lorenzo Savadori (20th)
Via Bradley Smith
“I think you’ll find I could have come last at half the price of this guy”
Honda
Pol Espargaro (13th)
“13th is not a great result – even if it is 7 places higher than Jorge Lorenzo could manage.”
Stefan Bradl (14th)
“Is it just me or does the shape of the track remind you of a swastika?”
Takaaki Nakagami (17th)
“Wise man say ‘when less-honourable team-mate rolls in gravel under Mount Fuji ot need to enter tiger’s cave and steal cub’”
Alex Marquez (DNF)
Via LCR Honda
“The team are pleased that Alex has resumed exactly where Cal left off”