Test riders have spent so much time sprawled on the sofa in their underwear, eating vodka-soaked cornflakes and watching Netflix over the past year that they might be mistaken for members of the teaching profession. Now that MotoGP tests have started for the 2021 season, we take the opportunity to rank the test riders from worst to best.
(7) Bradley Smith – Aprilia (TBC)
It’s not yet clear whether Bradley will be the Aprilia test rider this year, after he was fired from the race team. The British broadcaster BT Sport had a clause in their contract that guaranteed a British rider in the series. However, Dorna managed to fob them off with 30 Euros and a nearly new espresso machine after pointing out that the only race footage of Bradders was of him trudging through gravel traps after falling off, and anyone who cared that much about British riders would be watching World Supers anyway.
Italian media has already been calling for Bradley to be replaced as Aprilia tester by Max Biaggi. This seems dubious, given that the evil Roman retired from riding after being critically injured in a SuperMoto crash. (He survived because the Dark Lord Beelzebub didn’t want the fires of eternal damnation to be befouled by Biaggi’s presence).
In the meantime, Bradders has been working with a Supersport 300 team with the noble aim of mentoring the stars of the future. Since SSP300 riders spend most of their races riding six abreast, and often overtake more people in one corner than Bradley has in his entire life, it seems that they should be the ones mentoring him.
(6) Random Japanese Test Riders – Yamaha, Honda, Suzuki
For face-saving reasons, all of the Japanese manufacturers have to use Japanese test riders from time to time, even though they’re generally terrible. The biggest problem is that in Japan, asking and answering direct questions is considered to be extremely rude, insulting to their ancestors and grounds for immediate suicide.
Instead of asking whether a new swing arm gives more grip, a Japanese engineer will have to start by saying something like, “The sunlight dappled by the blossoms of the trees below Mount Fuji honours the spirits of our ancestors.” The Japanese test rider will then respond with something like, “Were that to be the case, it might indeed be considered somewhat favourable to the ghosts of those that went before us.”
For two Japanese people to ask and answer a simple yes/no question takes upwards of 3 weeks, with means a 2 hour debrief is completely pointless.
(5) Stefan Bradl – Honda
There’s no getting around the fact that the 2020 MotoGP Honda was quick in a straight line but otherwise a total nail. Without Marc Marquez, it’s barely even a podium contender. This can’t be blamed entirely on its test rider, but it doesn’t really reflect well on him.
The German may be distracted by his duties as a race commentator. This is extremely difficult for Germans due to their ludicrous habit of sticking 400 words together into one huge long word that takes 7 or 8 minutes to say out loud. For instance, German has a word that means “One of those practise sessions where it’s kind of half-wet and really slippery but the weather forecast for the race is dry so the top riders don’t bother going out and risking a silly lowside that scuffs up their leathers so one of the backmarkers always ends up going out to get their sponsors’ logos on television and give the commentators something to yammer about.”
(4) Michele Pirro – Ducati
Pirro has the sweetest gig of all the testers. There’s no need for him to give accurate and detailed feedback because Ducati never listen to a word that any of their riders says about anything.
He has only two tasks. Firstly to ride round in circles. Secondly to sit around eating pasta while the Ducati mechanics bolt on some innovative new parts, most of which are about as legal as the girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s private island (just barely, if at all).
(3) Cal Crutchlow – Yamaha
Suddenly, titanium-reinforced loudmouth Cal Crutchlow is in high demand as a test rider. This is because somebody realized that he actually gives excellent feedback about the bike. The only trouble is finding a way to sift out these nuggets of information from his constant stream of excuses for falling off and angry rants about how much he hates certain other riders.
Yamaha plan to do this by teaming him up with engineers who only know the English words for technical stuff and have never heard of Johnny Rea.
It’s remarkable how Cal’s popularity has surged after his retirement from racing. Just the other day, golfing legend Tiger Woods paid tribute to Cal’s riding style by crashing his SUV off the road, tumbling it through the scenery and ending up with similar ankle X-rays to Crutchlow as a bonus.
(2) Sylvain Guintoli – Suzuki
The Suzuki was the revelation of last year, with the MotoGP title being won by one of its two Spanish riders. (Can’t remember which one, off the top of my head). A lot of the credit must go to Suzuki’s French test rider, Sylvain Guintoli.
The big breakthrough was figuring out how to use the new Michelin tyres. When asked how the hell to go fast with them, the Michelin technicians just shrugged and walked off, leaving the teams baffled and furious. But the French have a million different ways to shrug their shoulders. Only Sylvain, as a fellow Frenchman, was able to decode that this particular shrug contained detailed setup advice, and he was able to tell Suzuki exactly which way to go with development.
When Sylvain has been riding the bikes, they are also left with an aroma of garlic that the two Spanish riders on the race team find very relaxing.
(1) Dani Pedrosa – KTM
The tiny Catalan continues to be at the forefront of MotoGP despite having retired from racing. Thanks to his testing abilities, KTM upgraded their bike from the stepladder-framed nail that it was when Bradley Smith was KTM test rider, to the race-winning wheelbarrow-framed marvel that it has become.
Dani won several championships in 125GP and 250GP, but had to wait for the arrival of High Definition TV before he was allowed to race in MotoGP. This is because Dani is smaller than the pixel size on Standard Definition TV sets. Seeing an apparently riderless Honda circulating on track could have caused an outbreak of mass hysteria like the War of the Worlds broadcast or COVID-19.
Pedrosa signed up as KTM tester after being ditched by Honda, who now look like complete imbeciles. This may be his greatest achievement. Humiliating the mighty Honda team and turning the KTM into a race winner are both grounds to crown Dani Pedrosa as MotoGP’s top test rider.