Somewhere in the deep and mysterious bowels of Japan is the secret Honda development bunker where untold secrets are born and plots hatched. Little is known about the goings on in this dank shelter. They have a simple motto “dishonourable carp that flaps loose lips dies in the noodle net dynasty”.
It’s here where great ideas are developed. Along with the rubbish ones like the Deauville.
It’s also the place where Honda’s latest, and in no way greatest, MotoGP machines are created. The latest 2023 RC213V has been wrapped in secrecy – which is like hiding a homemade cheese sandwich from a Michelin Star chef.
But, thanks to the brilliance of bribes and blackmail, we have the inside knowledge of the all new Honda. So sit back and enjoy as we explain, with the aid of those who created it, the finer points of Honda’s latest MotoGP bike.
Red Wheels
Over the years the Repsol Honda graphic designers have been accused of being ‘lazy bastards’ by certain lesser members of the media. Their “probably only looked good in the 90s” design has changed very little since Mick Doohan’s disappointing haircut first rode it.
Each year, at the pre-season unveiling, we’d all be left thinking ‘oh what a surprise – it looks exactly the same as last year’…but not this time. This time it has red wheels!
“We have a strict palette” explained one member of the graphics team. “Orange and red are mainly used. So my mate was colouring in the wheels using the flood-fill tool in Microsoft Paint when he accidentally clicked the wrong button and used red instead of orange. It was quite a shock. Some of the other designers stood nearby had to go home because they were vomiting up the raw fish from their breakfast with the shock of the change.
“But then this top noodle guy came past and said it was incredible. He said it showed a bold, forward-thinking idea that is so not associated with Honda and their predictable line of monotonous motorcycles. So it stuck.”
Plasticky bits at the back
Last season Ducati, using an electron microscope, managed to find a free area of their bike that didn’t have a stupid bit of plastic wing stuck to it. Luckily the Italian pipe-benders were soon on the case and the stegosaurus wings on the tail unit were unfortunately born.
Honda, not wanted to be outdone by Ducati even more, have stolen this design and incorporated it into their 2023 machine.
“We first saw them on the Ducati and thought ‘I wonder what they’re for?’” explained the head of HRC’s R&D department. “My mate thought they might be used for something fun like whaling or killing dolphins.
“But then this top noodle guy came past and said we needed them on our bikes too. We didn’t really know what they did so we just made something up by gluing together a few sheets of rice paper.
“Then we had the killer idea – let’s colour them red as that’s what Ducati does and it works for them. I didn’t need a fortune cookie that night to know we are set for success in the near future.”
Rossi font
Back in the early 2000’s Neverland legend Valentino Rossi absolutely dominated MotoGP on the Honda – especially in 2002 when only Rossi and some random Japanese test chimp were allowed bikes fast enough to win*.
Honda, keen to grasp any sliver of hope of not being awful again, used this bygone triumphant period as the idea of Joan Mir’s bike number.
“Me and my mate were thinking up what font to use for Joan’s bike” explained the chief HRC font chooser. “I wanted comic sans because I reckon that’s going to make a comeback soon like 80’s music and poorly maintained teeth.”
“But then this top noodle guy came past and said why not just use the same font Rossi used as it might bring us some divine success? I thought it was a great idea. Not that I said so. I kept quiet and then claimed it was my idea a few weeks later – which should keep me out of the Tokyo harbour this season. And it’s not like Rossi’s going to be bothered – he’ll be too busy inviting attractive young riders to his ranch to spot what we’ve done. And even if he did he’d never notice with his eyes these days”
Painted intake
Painting the inside of the air intake on the front of the bike certainly looks good – however the idea is not just for aesthetic reasons!
“The problem with our bike is that everyone keeps falling off it. It’s a right bastard” explained Honda’s engine de-cruster. “And with each crash loads of gravel gets stuck in the fairing. I tell you with all these bits of stupid fairing we now have it’s like trying to get short-grain rice out of your arse-hairs after an interesting night on the town.
“In the good old days we’d have just sent Dani Pedrosa inside with a headlamp and tiny pickaxe to chip off the rocks. So I was then thinking of having a custom made vacuum cleaner that ran off a USB type C port to suck it all out. Then maybe we could hire that stupid, pointless little robot Honda have built to clean for us. A bit like geisha does.
“But then this top noodle guy came past and said if we painted the inside of the fairing in gloss we could then just hang the bike up from the back end, you know like one of the crispy ducks you see, and all the crap would just slide out of the front.
“And now we’ve got those two Suzuki gravel hermits we think it’ll be a worthwhile investment.”
*Until, with four races left in the season, the undead rider Alex Barros was upgraded to a bike that could win. Alex went on to win two of the remaining four races (as opposed to Rossi’s one) and finish on the podium every time.