Jack Miller’s home race lasted about as long as a Dixie Chicks CD in Colin Edwards’ microwave oven. He was taken out by hitman Alex Marquez, but who ordered the hit?
What happened?
Jackass was looking great at Philip Island. Having just achieved a win and a podium, the Aussie is in the form of his life. He was a serious contender to win his home race. But while heading into Miller Corner, named after him just days earlier, Jack was torpedoed by Alex Marquez. Immediately suspicions were raised. Firstly, Alex hit someone running higher than 12th. Secondly, he went to great and acrobatic lengths to miss the rider in front of him and hit Jack instead.
The suspects
Let’s take a look at the various suspects who may have ordered this torpedo attack.
Mrs Ruby Miller
The list of extra-curricular activities that women approve of on their honeymoons includes stuff like eating champagne breakfasts, getting foot massages and visiting embroidery museums. The list certainly doesn’t include stuff like shivering in a frozen, wind-blown hellhole while hubby ponces around wallowing in the adulation of the assembled ockers.
Jack must not have noticed the narrowed eyes and pursed lips that his new wife displayed while she was saying, “Sure, honey, I would love to spend our honeymoon at the Philip Island race. That would be absolutely fine.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but would that fury extend to hiring the talentless younger brother of a MotoGP legend to torpedo her own new husband?
Probability: 
Australian School Teachers
Jack isn’t known for his extensive schooling. In fact, he gradually learned his meagre numeracy skills by reading his pit boards in Moto3. However, school teachers are convinced that if kids don’t have many, many years of formal mathematics classes rammed down their gullets then they won’t realize how racist they are and therefore will never amount to anything.
This viewpoint is seriously undermined when a cattle-farming bogan like Jack, who has attended school about 8 times in his entire life, arrives in Australia as a hugely popular millionaire who has just married a stunning blonde and had a chunk of the world’s greatest racetrack named after him.
Surely we must consider the possibility that Aussie school teachers hired Alex Marquez to torpedo Jack’s dreams of winning his home race just like they torpedoed the hopes and dreams of their pupils when they decided to demand school closures “due to Covid” so they could binge Stranger Things on Netflix instead of actually teaching.
Probability:
Jack’s Relatives
When the countries of the world are ranked according to their response to Covid-19, Sweden has to be rated as the Giacomo Agostini of pandemic responses. On this scale, Australia doesn’t even rate as Bradley Smith. It was more like one of those Japanese test riders who used to show up as a wild card, lap 6 seconds off the pace and trundle across the line 5 laps down on Bradley Smith, just ahead of the similarly worthless Japanese test rider Nukio Zealandoru.
One of the main effects of Australia turning into a dimestore North Korea was that Aussie sportsmen who somehow gained permission to leave the country were unable to return unless they spent months in concentration camps. Guys like Jack didn’t see their families for 2 years.
The Miller family were assembled at the new Miller corner. Might they have ordered Alex Marquez to torpedo their beloved Jackass right in front of them, just to spend their first quality time with him since 2019?
Probability:
Ducati Management
There’s no getting around the fact that Jack is the number 2 Ducati rider, while the panicky, drunk-driving imbecile Prosecco Bananas is their golden boy. But Prosecco is like Marc Marquez’s arm after his first surgery: apply the slightest pressure and he falls off again.
In the lead up to the Aussie Grand Prix, Jack was mounting an unexpected but well-deserved title challenge. There is a serious possibility that Jack would have won his home race and actually earned the right to have a corner named after him. Seeing Jack in the lead, his flaky team-mate Prosecco almost certainly would’ve gone to pieces as usual and crashed. This would have left Jack with a major chance of winning the title.
But Ducati didn’t want Australian Jack to win the title. The only other Ducati rider to win the MotoGP World Championship was Australian Casey Stoner, who turned out to be a nightmare of whinging and lactose intolerance. They want an Italian to win the championship, even if it’s a crash-happy, undeserving idiot like Prosecco.
And they certainly didn’t want to see the number 1 plate on a KTM next year, this isn’t frigging Motocross.
Would Ducati stoop so low as to have one of their own riders torpedoed by future Ducati rider Alex Marquez? Well, duh!
Probability: